It's been a while.

It's been a while. Over a year, in fact, since my last blog post.

Things have shifted. There is a lot more physical stability in my life, but emotionally, everything is chaos.

First, there this guy. Eliott. (heart flutters)



I don't always like him, but I sure do love him, always. Most of the time he drives me so crazy that I just have to throw my hands up and join in the madness. What's the point in resisting when you're just gonna be chased down and thrown in lake anyways? I can get angry and bitter, or I can choose joy and adventure. I prefer the latter :-)



I am a woman that has lived out of her car by choice, traveled solo internationally with no return ticket home, dealt with bears, flash floods, and more teen angst than I can fathom (wilderness therapy anyone?), slept under the stars more times than not, and relied on herself and no one else for stability, happiness, purpose and validation. I am also a woman who didn't have a steady, healthy, present male role model in her life until she was 8 years old. (Daddy and abandonment issues anyone?) Imagine having a steady, long-term relationship after that...

Chaos. Just pure emotional chaos.

To say I'm dealing with attachment vs. independence issues doesn't even begin to explain it. Add a little splash of abandonment and co-dependecy into that and you've got a big stew of emotional bullshit.





So that bring me to this moment now. Eliott has been away for a week, canyoneering in Colorado, with very limited contact. In his absence I have gone through more emotional ups and downs since the year I hit puberty.  One moment, I am drinking wine in the middle of the bed watching all the rom-coms he would hate, rejoicing in my freedom, and the next I am anxiously pacing back and forth wondering why I hadn't heard from him all day and assuming the worst. Add to that the little splash of abandonment issues I mentioned earlier and from there, a crisis is born.

Thankfully, during this week I have realized how much blogging has saved my sanity while I was on the road. Putting my thoughts into one, comprehensive place, is a lifesaver for me. So...I'm gonna try to get back into it. Obviously, my life has become exciting in a different way than it used to be. I'm no longer on the road, traveling to new destinations and impulsively shaving all the hair off my head. But, I'd like to think I still have that spark....somewhere in there ;-)




Which brings me to today. Today I am flying out to Colorado Springs to meet up with my main squeeze and hang in the mountains for a week. For those of you that know me, you will remember that me and flying do not go hand in hand. I am terrified. I panic. I've flown over 30+ times in the past 5 years and I still cannot get past my anxiety.  I hate flying more than I hate anything else in this world (except maybe Donald Trump as a potential president). My hands gets sweaty, my heart rate speeds up X a million, and I scream (for real) at the slightest bump of turbulence. I feel sorry for the person that gets the "joy" of sitting next to me.




BUT- today I'm back in the mountains. There is an anxious calm that comes over me when I realize I'm returning. I feel calm that I am going back home, to the mountains that stole my heart. I am anxious at the anticipation of sadness and heartbreak when it's time to leave. I am grateful for a full day and night to myself, before meeting up with Eliott, to process my feelings and gather my thoughts. The mountains have always been a place of magic for me, and I'm curious to see what it will feel like to return. I'm terrified of what it will feel like to leave.




Stay tuned.

That One Time I Lost Everything (Part 2)

(Beware! This is a LONG, pictures intensive post :-))

After losing all of my money, the adventure continued. Thankfully I had an "emergency" credit card and losing all my money definitely counted as an "emergency". We all had our unique way of coping with the "what in the world just happened?" feeling. For me it was taking sharp turns just a bit too fast with the windows down and music blasting. For Miles, it looked a little something like this:

The further we drove from Vegas, the quicker things began to shift. It felt as though we were entering some sort of magical world that we later deemed "the vortex". For some reason, whenever the four of us shared space, adventures, and/or conversation, synchronicity, the unthinkable and unbelievable occurred.

We drove into the night through a breathtaking sunset, past tiny towns with bizarre antique stores, into a world of tall pines and crisp air.

We eventually pulled off onto an unmarked road and set up camp under the stars. In the morning, we all woke at our own pace and set off into our own minds and morning rituals. For Randy, it looked like working out like a madman. (In fact, when we were packing for the trip and he brought out his two giant kettle bells I wasn't sure if they'd fit. When I told him that, the look in his eyes very clearly told me that he'd leave his sleeping bag behind before he'd leave his kettle bells.) Miles slept until it was time to leave again; Maria set off on a meditative walk; and I made coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.

Maria.

Miles.

Randy.

And then we were off again. We stopped at a gas station for a quick fill up and snacks. I bought a bumper sticker that I proceeded to promptly stick on Sunny (my car!) that said "What happens in the mountains stays in the mountains." Little did I know how much meaning this little sticker would have in a few short days...

We drove past valleys, snow capped mountains and pristine lakes. Of course, pit stops were made and toes (or a little more) were baptized by the glacial waters.

Our destination was a "word of mouth" spot on the river where hot springs flowed. It was right outside of Yosemite and we weren't quite sure if these hot springs actually existed. When we pulled up to the river, there was only one way to find out....

Did we find them? Yes, yes we did. But before submerging, camp needed setting up and the trees were begging to be climbed.

And then we soaked....

Now you're probably thinking, "Yelena this sounds incredible! Where's the part where you tragically lose something and have a panic attack?" Oh that part is coming. But before the "big bang", the Universe gave me the most memorable, symbolic, breathtaking gift. To this day, it is the best birthday gift I have ever received. To clearly visualize the intensity of what happened, it's important to see how we sleep (no tent!) and the sleeping arrangement:

From the top down- Maria, Miles, Randy and me.

So, after soaking and filling out bellies we snuggled under the stars and allowed the frost to slowly set in. Now because it got below freezing at night, we all slept with our heads and faces inside the sleeping bag. Randy and I were the first to doze off. Before completely surrendering to dreamland I heard some really excited whispers from Maria and Miles, but being exhausted, warm and absolutely at peace, I allowed myself to fall into a deep sleep.

I was woken up early in the morning to Randy very intensely whispering my name.

Groaning, I reluctantly stuck my head out into the freeze. Randy pointed forward and as I turned my head, I froze. There, not even 10 feet away from us, stood a large black bear. Without saying a word, we watched as the bear sniffed around completely unaware of our presence.

"Hey Randy." I whispered. "What happens if the bear comes towards us?"

"Well, we just tell it to go away." He replied, completely undisturbed by the fact that THERE WAS A GIANT BLACK BEAR LESS THAN 10 FEET AWAY FROM MY FACE.

By this point, Maria and Miles had woken up and all four of us kept low, watching the bear explore. For some unexplainable reason, Miles decided to suddenly stand up. The bear whipped its head toward us and froze. Staring.

I have never felt my heart beat as quickly and intensely as it did in that moment. THERE WAS A GIANT BEAR LESS THAN 10 FEET FROM MY FACE. And now it knew it.

Silence.

Staring.

Decisions.

The bear decided that four humans were a bit scary and shuffled off to climb a tree roughly 20 feet away. Unfortunately the branch it chose to sit on couldn't quite support it's weight and leaned at an odd angle. We would see the branch dip down even lower as the bear peered out at the humans watching it. At this point, the situation evolved from fear to humor. And it became even funnier when the bear climbed down the tree and hid behind a rock hoping we wouldn't see it. When it finally decided to go after our food (which was hanging in the tree), Randy chased it away. That's right- he CHASED it. Gotta love the wilderness folk!

Somehow, after the bear incident, Randy and Miles went right back to sleep. Maria and I decided that we would drive the 20+ miles into the nearest town to get some good coffee and breakfast burritos for all. Quite nice of us, don't you think? We get in the car and as I start it, the "Check oil" light turns on. Hmm...that's interesting. I fill Maria in on my observation and we decide that while we're in town we'll just add more oil to the car. So we begin the absolutely breathtaking drive into town. The windows are down and "Breathe Owl Breathe" is blasting as we blissfully sing along....

(Here's a live version of the song we were listening to from 2008 Blissfest for those of you who are interested.)

"A chain reaction..." CLUNK

"An explosion...." BOOM! CLUNK! GRIIIINNDDDD!!!!

I pull over.

My car shuts down. And it won't start.

I look at Maria...after seconds of complete silence....

we both start laughing hysterically.

Then my laughter turns into sobbing.

Somehow, I knew that Sunny and I have reached the end of our journey together. "What happens in the mountains stays in the mountains" after all.

To be continued......

That One Time I Lost Everything (Part 1)

I've never been a "birthday party" kind of gal. I'm more of a "birthday adventure" and "I'm gonna buy myself some really cool shit" kind of gal. And as I approach the official status of late twenties (27!), I can't help but reminisce on years past. And while every year was memorable, 24 is one for the books. On my 24th birthday, I lost everything that society would deem valuable. And I mean EVERYTHING. But let's start from the beginning....

I had just moved to southern Utah after nearly a year of car living and was itching for an adventure. I was living with a crazy bunch of fools half of the time and the other half was spent with teenagers in the wilderness.

Welcome to my office!

And because that wasn't enough of an adventure, I suggested that our next week off (we worked week on/ week off) we hit the road and shake things up a bit. It was, after all, my birthday week.

Why not?

So after a week in the wilderness, we grab a beer (working with teenagers is hard y'all!), throw our packs into the trunk, find some clean clothes that we didn't put on, and load our filthy bodies into the car. Because what's a few more hours without a shower when you've already gone a week in the wilderness wearing the same clothes?

Our destination: Yosemite. But because it's already 9pm and we're pretty exhausted, we decide to make a pit stop in my least favorite place in the entire Universe. It's got cheap hotel rooms and we desperately need to shower. So Vegas it is, baby!

After quick showers and window ledge dancing, we hit the streets.

And then we walked into a casino. I mean, c'mon. It's Vegas.

And while everyone was doing this:

I was nowhere to be found. I had met a force to be reckoned with and was seduced by the thrill. It was exciting and full of promises. The connection was too strong to deny and I couldn't resist. Ladies and gentlemen, I met Black Jack. And my night looked a little something like this....

That's me in the brown jacket. If you look carefully you will see my hand protectively resting on my stack of chips.

In fact, at one point, Miles approached me...

Miles: "Umm, Yelena? Don't you think you should get a little sleep before we hit the road?"

Me: "Oh yea, don't worry. I'm just gonna play a little longer. But you should go to sleep and I'll be up in a bit."

Miles: "I did go to sleep. Now I'm awake because it's morning. I want pancakes."

It was 7 a.m. I had played blackjack all night. Not only that but I lost all my money. ALL. OF. IT. I went to the ATM to get more and there was nothing left. NOTHING. I gambled all my money away. It was the dealer that finally told me to go eat pancakes with my friends. While eating pancakes, Miles decides that he's gonna give blackjack a try. He comes back having doubled his money. I tell him to go do it again.

"Okay."

He comes back having doubled his money again. I tell him to go back.

"You know, I'm gonna keep what I've got. I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead."

Why couldn't I do that?! Oh yea, because gambling and I have a toxic, addictive relationship. Don't worry, I only gambled all my money away one other time. I don't need a third time to know that I will never be gambling again. EVER.

Miles paid for the pancakes. I cried. Then we hit the road.

On Day 1 of the epic birthday adventure, I lost all my money. But wait! There's 5 more days left!

Wilderness feet. Blisters, callouses, dirt and all. 

 To be continued...

An Update

( The pictures in this post have been taken in Kalamazoo over the past few years)

Kalamazoo is where I first learned the art of drinking beer while hooping, dancing, hiking, kayaking, and other soul transforming activities.

Kalamazoo is also the place where I truly fell in love with people and, for the first time, people fell in love with me for who I am and am becoming.

I've got so many blog post ideas that very quickly take a backseat to morning coffee puzzles, knitting to Harry Potter, swaying to new records, conquering new routes at the climbing gym, playing and snuggling sweet babies, harvesting herbs and cooking up healing wintertime remedies, kissing boys, dancing to heart awakening music, listening to band practice every Thursday, sipping on wine with best friends, sipping on wine with strangers, sipping on wine alone, sipping on wine....

Puzzle mornings are the best mornings.

I've spent most of my time marveling at how much I have grown. I'm no longer the girl that commits to the first man showing her affection; I know what my heart and soul desire and I'm not afraid to get real with myself and "the other". I'm not scared of setting boundaries at work while speaking my mind in a loving, compassionate, empathetic way. I'm not intimidated by beautiful, mysterious strangers. I fall in love with my friends every single day. I fall in love with the community, the sense of belonging, and the sense of "home". I admit my weaknesses and embrace my strengths. I don't seek spiritual experiences; I feel them in every breath, every moment, every thought. I snuggle babies knowing that one day I'll snuggle my own...but not yet. Not yet.

I smile at the absurdity that Kalamazoo is. I sink into trust when I think of the journey that lead me here the first time....and the second. I feel at home. I have surrendered. I am drawn to duality, to grit, to "rough around the edges"...to Kalamazoo.

The Lake

As I roll out my yoga mat onto the hardwood floors, I breathe into possibility. I breathe into life, surprises and potential. I breathe into all that is, was, and is yet to come. All the goodness, you know?

This photo is currently being transformed into a head of aloe...for reals. The beauty of living with and loving artists is that they transform you into mythical beings you've only ever dreamt of being.

Soon, there will be more substantial, concrete posts. But for now, I'm floating in bliss of community, life, authenticity, acceptance, belonging, and love. Sweet, heartfelt love.

Sardine Lake

Last winter, I struggled finding community and connection in California. I was living in an isolated space and had daily contact with the same 8 people. We worked, lived, ate, and played lots of games together. But there is only so much one can do until the craving for outside contact takes over. And let me tell you, I was CRAVING it.  So around New Years, I invited myself over this girl’s house.

Celeste

She is crazy in the best ways possible, loves to eat, has a ridiculously early bedtime and is up for adventure rain or shine. So, clearly, we would become great friends. And we did! It only took me inviting myself over without giving her an opportunity to say no. Creepy? Too forward? Maybe. But I was desperate y’all. I needed a friend outside my teeny community and I needed that friend NOW.

The outcome of me inviting myself over...

We saw each other rarely yet when we did, the adventures were raw and wild.  This one time, we decided to hike awhile along the Yuba.  A few hours into the hike, clearly delirious, we stripped our clothes off and jumped into the water. It was late January. There was SNOW on the ground. My body’s never felt the same since.

Another time, we hiked 2 miles in a blizzard with a crew of friends to find a “word of mouth” yurt that was supposedly hidden in the middle of the woods. We didn’t have a map, directions, or any sort of concrete proof that this yurt actually existed. But IT WAS THERE! And we had a glorious night drinking ourselves silly while playing the best game on the planet- Bonanza (also known as Bean Trader’s). If there is a single game that you play in your life- let it be Bonanza. I’m telling you, it’s da bomb diggity.

But my favorite adventure is the one that led us to my future sanctuary, an escape from the foothills into the womb of the Sierra’s.  We didn’t really have a plan but we left prepared. We packed sleeping bags “just in case” and enough sardines to feed all of California. (If you didn’t know, I consider sardines to be a food group. So does Celeste. No wonder we became friends.) And then we drove. We didn’t know where we were going but knew that we hadn’t yet “arrived.” Almost an hour into the drive, just as we were discussing turning around, we saw Gold Lake Road. It was clearly going uphill and we were curious what was on top of that hill. So we turned and followed the road to breathtaking views until the snow wouldn’t allow us to go any further. Then we saw it….a sign for SARDINE LAKE. It was a sign without a doubt. I mean, the Universe knew how much we loved sardines and brought us to this place. We giggled with glee, drove as far as the snow would let us, and hiked to this view:

In that moment, I felt a connection I hadn’t felt to a place in a long time. We’d “arrived”.

Sardine Lake became my “go-to” destination. I brought friends, I went alone and I even took my campers there. The magic never disappeared.

Maybe one day, I’ll swim in those waters again.

Maybe not.

But one thing I know for certain, Sardine Lake was a haven in times of unease. I can’t wait to find that haven, here, in Michigan. I know it’s here. I can feel it. And with time, it will reveal itself.

Until then, onward and upward!

Eating sardines at Sardine Lake..doesn't get better than that!