Things have shifted. There is a lot more physical stability in my life, but emotionally, everything is chaos.
First, there this guy. Eliott. (heart flutters)
I don't always like him, but I sure do love him, always. Most of the time he drives me so crazy that I just have to throw my hands up and join in the madness. What's the point in resisting when you're just gonna be chased down and thrown in lake anyways? I can get angry and bitter, or I can choose joy and adventure. I prefer the latter :-)
I am a woman that has lived out of her car by choice, traveled solo internationally with no return ticket home, dealt with bears, flash floods, and more teen angst than I can fathom (wilderness therapy anyone?), slept under the stars more times than not, and relied on herself and no one else for stability, happiness, purpose and validation. I am also a woman who didn't have a steady, healthy, present male role model in her life until she was 8 years old. (Daddy and abandonment issues anyone?) Imagine having a steady, long-term relationship after that...
Chaos. Just pure emotional chaos.
To say I'm dealing with attachment vs. independence issues doesn't even begin to explain it. Add a little splash of abandonment and co-dependecy into that and you've got a big stew of emotional bullshit.
So that bring me to this moment now. Eliott has been away for a week, canyoneering in Colorado, with very limited contact. In his absence I have gone through more emotional ups and downs since the year I hit puberty. One moment, I am drinking wine in the middle of the bed watching all the rom-coms he would hate, rejoicing in my freedom, and the next I am anxiously pacing back and forth wondering why I hadn't heard from him all day and assuming the worst. Add to that the little splash of abandonment issues I mentioned earlier and from there, a crisis is born.
Thankfully, during this week I have realized how much blogging has saved my sanity while I was on the road. Putting my thoughts into one, comprehensive place, is a lifesaver for me. So...I'm gonna try to get back into it. Obviously, my life has become exciting in a different way than it used to be. I'm no longer on the road, traveling to new destinations and impulsively shaving all the hair off my head. But, I'd like to think I still have that spark....somewhere in there ;-)
Which brings me to today. Today I am flying out to Colorado Springs to meet up with my main squeeze and hang in the mountains for a week. For those of you that know me, you will remember that me and flying do not go hand in hand. I am terrified. I panic. I've flown over 30+ times in the past 5 years and I still cannot get past my anxiety. I hate flying more than I hate anything else in this world (except maybe Donald Trump as a potential president). My hands gets sweaty, my heart rate speeds up X a million, and I scream (for real) at the slightest bump of turbulence. I feel sorry for the person that gets the "joy" of sitting next to me.
BUT- today I'm back in the mountains. There is an anxious calm that comes over me when I realize I'm returning. I feel calm that I am going back home, to the mountains that stole my heart. I am anxious at the anticipation of sadness and heartbreak when it's time to leave. I am grateful for a full day and night to myself, before meeting up with Eliott, to process my feelings and gather my thoughts. The mountains have always been a place of magic for me, and I'm curious to see what it will feel like to return. I'm terrified of what it will feel like to leave.
Stay tuned.
