I am extremely nervous and terrified of opening myself up to the virtual world. I am scared of criticism and judgment. I like hiding in my protective psychic bubble knowing who is allowed in and who is not. So why am I doing this? I am doing this for the beautiful souls I have met in Kalamazoo who I want to share my journey with. I am doing this for myself- so I can always remember the most intimate details of my adventures. But mostly I am doing this to remain connected- to Kalamazoo, to Michigan, to the Sunrise Goddesses, to the Bear, to my family, to my deepest roots, to myself. This is my place to share with friends, strangers, and my Self. It is my sacred place in the virtual world. I will treat it that way, and I hope you do as well.
Some of you may be asking, "well, where are you going?" The truth is, I don't know. All I know is that my whole life, I've been trying to get somewhere. I graduated from high school, went to college, graduated from college, landed an amazing job, became financially and socially abundant, made my parents proud... but I was still trying to get somewhere. I realize now that I was running away. I was running away from myself and my unhappiness. Despite having everything that *should* make one happy, I was miserable. Up until this past year, I have lived my life trying to make my parents, friends, boyfriends, even strangers happy- always concerned with others needs or what others thought of me. But this past year I was able to silent my ego enough to hear my Self speak. And as soon as I heard that faint voice, I listened. And I learned techniques to keep listening. I made lifestyle changes so that I never lose my ability to listen, hear, and understand. The voice grows louder with each moment, and my intuition along with it. I have never felt more self-aware in my entire life. I was able to cut through all the bullshit and put that ego in the passenger seat. But as powerful and wonderful as this is, it left me with an emptiness inside. I realized that I don't know my Self. I don't know my Power. I don't know my Medicine. What I do know is how to listen to my intuition, and I have the courage to follow it. After you truly hear and FEEL that voice inside of you, there is no ignoring it. And that voice is telling me to FLY. Get out on the road and be FREE. Get to know your Self by yourself. I've known that this is what I wanted to do for about a year now, but I truly FELT it 6 or so months ago when I made my choice and everything just clicked into place. I will be leaving my job on August 2. My lease ends on August 9. I will be free.
All these changes are exciting, but very bittersweet. I have a heavy heart. You see, when I was leaving East Lansing I was really looking forward to change. I was healing a broken heart, recovering from four long years of traumatic schooling, understanding the manipulative relationships in my life, and just wanting to leave. I couldn't wait to move and have a fresh start. But leaving Kalamazoo is very different. I love my life in Kalamazoo and everything about it. Even my job is beginning to grow on me. But as perfect as everything is on the outside, on the inside something is missing. I will never get the answers I need by existing in a state of routine, comfort, and safety. So I know that I will be leaving. I have known that I'd be leaving for the past 6 months. But with only a month left in this gem of a town, I am beginning to FEEL it. And there is such a huge difference between knowing something and feeling it. I am really struggling.
It all started when Andrew (one of my coworkers) left roughly 2 weeks ago. I knew he would be leaving from the moment I met him, but now I feel his absence. Especially at work. And his absence is making me truly realize that Dennis and Justyne (my other coworkers) will be leaving in a few short weeks as well. I don't yet feel this, but I know that it will be a huge stab in my heart when it actually happens.
( Denny, Justyne, me, Andrew )
Dennis is a soul friend. He thinks I'm strange, crazy, bizarre, and I'm pretty sure he judges me most of the time. But I love him. And I know that the feeling is mutual. We've been traveling buddies for the past year, and have definitely grown together and separately from every trip we took.
I have taken more trips with this man in the past year than I have with anyone else. Ever. So just the thought of not seeing him everyday at work, and any time I need him outside of work breaks me. I don't know what will happen when he actually leaves. But I'm trying not to think about it too much because right now I'm coping with Krista leaving. For those of you who have not heard of Krista, she is the owner of Sunrise Yoga- my sanctuary. I feel more at home at Sunrise than I do in my own house. I practice yoga there, I chant there, I meditate there, I laugh there, I cry there, I open up my heart and soul there. And I feel SAFE there. This morning was my last yoga practice at Sunrise because Krista is leaving to go overseas and won't be back at before I leave. I know that this is simply a change, and I know that Krista will be a constant presence in this lifetime and many more to come. However, Sunrise Yoga won't be. And that weighs heavy on my heart.
At the moment, it is the heaviest weight in my heart. But I know that with each passing day, there will be more changes. And more feelings. And more heaviness. Yet also more excitement. More anticipation. More hope for what's to come. I'm just feeling a lot right now. It's hard, even suffocating at times.Then I just let the tears flow and surrender to the waters. I don't have to like it. And I don't. I don't want things to change. I LOVE my external world. But after the tears pass, I remind myself of the inner world that is left to be discovered. I get excited again. The smile comes back. I let the sunshine in and cherish it because I know that around the corner is another storm cloud. Maybe even a hurricane. But it will pass and the sun will come out again. This I know. This I feel. To this I Surrender. Namaha.
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