My Biggest Fear

When I first started fantasizing about living on the road roughly a year ago, it was just that - a fantasy. At the time I had just started a full time 'dream' job, I moved to a great town that fed my inner spirit, I surrounded myself with like-minded people who soon became the best of friends, I found niches that inspired me, and I began growing my roots deep. But while I was settling into a routine, a familiarity, I had this fantasy of living on the road. A life of no routines, no expectations, no rules; a life full of freedom, a sense of wilderness, and non-attachment. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this fantasy would become reality.

But somehow it did. Maybe it was the people I met; people who motivated me with their stories of adventure, giving me the confidence to make my dream a reality. Maybe it was the insight gained from my 'dream' job; a message that screamed "This is not the job for you! You are miserable! Stop doing this to yourself!". Maybe it was my spiritual Self, who has grown to her fullest limits in this town, saying "Go. Leave. You found your wings. Go fly. Grow. Be free. Find yourself." Or maybe it was the little voice inside myself that I've heard for years and years; a little voice trying to be heard but being silenced by my ego; a little voice that planted the seed of this fantasy; a little voice whispering "This life that you're creating is a product of society-of your ego. A product of your need to please others. But it is not for you. Stop trying to fit into the mold everyone, except for yourself, has created for you. It will never work. And if you force it, you'll break. And you'll never be able to fix yourself." Or maybe it was a combination of all of the above. But regardless of how I got here, this is where I am. And the reality is, I am living my fantasy, my dream, and every cell in my being knows it.

I think that a lot of people have this huge misconception of what it's like to see your fantasy become reality. They think that you should be existing on cloud nine, always smiling, feeling happy and fulfilled, no doubts, just pure enjoyment. But in reality, I have never been more scared in my life. I have doubts racing through my brain each nanosecond of every day. I'm constantly bursting into tears and having occasional panic attacks. I get anxious, stressed, and confused. But at the same time, with each passing day, I feel a little more wild and free. Does it freak me out? Absolutely. But only because it's a wilderness I've never felt before. Many time I cry due to a deep sadness of leaving the people I love and adore behind. Other times I cry due to the joy I feel of meeting new friends I'll fall in love with. It truly is a double edged sword. A bitter sweetness. But there is one thing I'm absolutely positive about- I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. And every time I lose trust in myself, a sign from the Universe restores that faith.

Always.

I am prepared for the overload of opposite emotions I'm going to feel on the road. I'm expecting the 'laughter of bliss turning into a sob of sorrow' moments. I'm prepared for the fear as well as the new found confidence. I'm prepared for loneliness. But the one thing I'm not prepared for is the lack of a "home base". I am an extremely grounded individual by nature, and that extends into my living environment. I like to be grounded. It makes me feel safe and secure. And being on the road will strip that sense of security away. I am not prepared for how that will make me feel. I don't know how that will make me feel. Not having a "home base" might send me into a state of numbness, it might bring on a panic attack, or it might ignite the fire of freedom and fill me with a joyful exuberance. I simply don't know. And not knowing is my biggest fear.

But not knowing will also give me the opportunity to call on the most important teacher in my life- my breath. It will force me to exist in the moment. To be non-attached. But most importantly, it will allow me to connect with my breath. And with my breath- I can overcome anything. Because as long as my breath is deep, steady, and alive- so am I.

This is going to be a never ending adventure. An adventure of a lifetime. A path towards becoming my fearless self. My powerful self.

Thanks for reading, sharing, and connecting.