Full Circle

Well, here I am; sitting at Salt Lake City International Airport waiting for my 5pm flight to Detroit. Crazy part? I found out I was flying to DTown less than 24 hours ago. Even crazier part? I will be in Michigan for less than 12 hours before hitting the road again. Yes friends, the rooted down, home-base Taurus has found her wings and learned how to fly (without any assistance from Red Bull, may I add). And since you all know how I feel about flying, you can safely assume that there is beer involved. Surprised?

 I didn’t think so.

Some of you might be wondering why I’m uprooting myself and backtracking. Trust me, if I could put my dead weight down and wiggle myself out of this one (those of you who have attempted to pick me up know exactly what I’m talking about), I would. However, remember this guy?

Well, he has officially gone to Nissan heaven and reincarnated as a beautiful, absolutely perfect, yellow Escape named Sunny. Unfortunately, Sunny chose to reside in The Mitten and must be retrieved by a certain traveling gypsy who is deathly terrorized by flying even though she does it all the time.

So here I am. Sitting at Salt Lake City International Airport waiting for my flight. Talk about coming full circle, right? However, I’m not the same person coming back to Michigan who left just a few short months ago. I have changed in so many beautiful, unbelievable ways. When I first started this journey, I was attached to Michigan with every intention of returning (sooner than later) and setting down permanent roots with the certainty of starting a family.  But this journey is showing me that’s not who I am and it’s definitely not what I want or need.  Instead, the person coming back is a strong-willed, unattached, partner-free, home-free, llama cuddling, rock climbing, spontaneous, free-spirited, song belting, fearless, uninhibited, powerful woman. No fear. Seriously. Well, except, maybe, for flying. But that’s it. No joke. Fearless; fully, completely, whole-heartedly.

So you may be wondering, what next? Or maybe you’re not, but I’m gonna tell you anyways.

Well, I get into Detroit around 1:30am tonight and I leave around 10am in my gorgeous, absolutely perfect, fearless (just like his owner), ‘ready to hit the road’ Sunny. And where am I going? Back to the Krishna Temple, of course! I mean who would ever want to leave this place?

The Krishna Temple has been an absolute blessing in my life. The environment, the people, the energy…this place has been incredible. And it’s exactly where I needed to be. And as much as I would love to stay here forever, I can’t. In fact, I come back on Wednesday night (I will attempt to make the 25 hour trip in less than two days…) and I leave for Sedona, AZ on Friday (maybe Sunday depending on what that little crazy voice inside of me says). But the day I leave will be a sad, sad day. I have connected so much with the devotees, the other volunteers, and the land. Just thinking about leaving shatters my heart…and that’s exactly why I must do it. You see, my whole life I’ve been attached to places, people, and circumstances. I fall in love with a certain idea and I am ready to sacrifice anything to make it happen. But that’s no good. It’s not healthy or in my best interest; and it’s time to break that habit. I have to keep moving, I have to keep learning, and I have to keep growing.  And that’s exactly what I intend to do.  That’s exactly what I will do.

Last night, while camping (the awesome thing about these people is that we can decide to go camping at 8pm and be at the campsite by 10pm) I was asked a question that I couldn’t answer right away. The question- “What is the rose, bud, and thorn of the time you spent at the temple?”  For some reason this question hit me hard. I couldn’t give an immediate answer, but after much thinking, reflecting, and absorbing, I finally have an answer.  This answer might change with time, but as of this moment, it is what it is.

The Rose: The people I have met, the experiences I shared with these individuals, and the lessons I have learned.

The Bud: I realized how fast I get attached to places and people, and this realization has taught me that change is inevitable and is the only constant in life. Everything is always changing. People leave, places alter, feelings change. But the experiences remain untainted, the memories unflawed, and the lessons life-changing. And who knows? Maybe the seeds planted will grow into full-blossomed greenery with the potential to thrive forever. But in order to find out, one must surrender; surrender to the Universe, Nature, God, Krishna, or whoever you choose to surrender to.  You have to keep moving with the guidance of that little voice inside to find you personal truth, whatever it may be. And that is my Bud.

The Thorn: I avoid thinking about the pain I’ll feel leaving. It will be heart wrenching, throbbing, yet unavoidable.  The sadness I feel just thinking about it is overwhelming. However, I think this trip to Detroit-back to Spanish Fork- will allow me to think, absorb, and accept.

My life has become a never-ending tunnel of adventure, the unexpected, and spontaneity. As much as I want to share all the details, pictures, and experiences with all of you, I can't bring myself to do that. Some things I will hoard and keep sacred. Maybe one day, depending on the moment and the timing, I will give you all a clearer view of my time here, but today is not that day. I live a good life. I am endlessly blissed out with happiness just thinking of where I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing, and where I'm going. I couldn't have wished for anything more. I live a dream. And thank you, each and every one of you, for sharing that with me. 

And now the time has come for me to board a flying piece of metal and put my life on the line. Wish me luck!

The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.

Well, it's that time of the year again. A time to harvest that which has blossomed within and surrender to the changes that harvest brings. As the nights get a little longer, colder, and quieter, I find myself spending lots of time awake and alone in the darkness contemplating, reflecting, and growing. Fall possesses the power to bring my mind to a stillness; a place where I can actually see things for what they are and not what I want them to be. It's in the coolness of her breeze that I make significant changes and life-altering decisions with pure clarity and confidence. But this Fall is a little different. This Fall I am surrounded by kaleidoscope mountains; home-free, job-free, stress-free, with all the time in the world to contemplate my life and the state of my being. This Fall, there are no distractions; my only focus: me, my life, and my journey.

A few weeks ago, I called my mom.

"Mom, I'm coming back to Michigan for the months of November and December. I found a place to live in Kalamazoo, and I really want to be home for the holidays."

A few days later I called her back.

"Actually Mom, I'll be back in Michigan for November but I'm leaving again in December."

Her response?

"You seem to be changing your mind a lot. Why don't you sit down, think about it, and let me know when you have REALLY made up your mind."

Yup. Mother knows her daughter best. I didn't know what I wanted to do. There was so much going on, I was so scattered, so alive and full of life, that I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted it all. I wanted to be everywhere and do everything all at once. I wanted to make everyone happy while making myself happy. I wanted to do what was safe and dangerous all at the same time. I wanted all of it. But I forgot some very important life truths...

1. I am responsible for my own happiness. And my happiness is my ultimate priority.
2. Everything is allowed.
3. There is no right or wrong.
4. I can change my mind.
5. Slow down and breathe.

After I slowed down and really thought about it, I called my mom again.

"Mom, I'm not coming back to Michigan."

So there you have it folks, I'm not coming back. Michigan is no longer my home, and to be honest, accepting this fact was one of the most exhilarating moments of my life. I am now really, truly, "home-free". I am throwing everything to the wind and letting it guide me. I think Bob Dylan had it right; the answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.

And to the wind I surrender. I surrender to the moments where no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time and the world; whatever it meant. I surrender to the calling of my heart, my deepest Self, with full knowing, courage, and confidence.

Until later, folks, take care, be well, breathe well.

Climb On!

Have you ever experienced a moment so powerful, so incredible, so perfect, you just couldn't find the words to express it?

Last weekend, I spent 3 days in blissful awe contemplating the perfection and beauty of my life and wondering how I ever got so damn lucky. Actually I do know how I got so lucky; fearlessness and complete confidence in my intuition. And it brought me to this very moment; sitting in a coffee shop at Momentum, a rock-climbing gym in Sandy, Utah, finally finding a free moment to type up this post while waiting for Dan to finish teaching little kiddos climbing skills so we can get back to the wall (did I mention I have the raddest friends?).

Recently, my life has become a hectic dream of rock-climbing and midnight hikes to the hot springs. I am amazed at what my body can do. I am amazed at what my mind can do. I am amazed at what I can do.

I am in love with the mountains. I am in love with climbing. I am in love with the way yoga is becoming the perfect complement to climbing. I am in love with hiking, camping, backpacking. I am in love with how powerful my legs feel charging up the mountain slopes. I am in love with the Southwest. I am in love with traveling and being utterly free. I am in love with spontaneous adventures. I am in love with my life. Every moment reveals something new, something unseen and exciting that's been there all along that I've been too distracted to see. I am finding stillness in everything. Every spontaneous adventure, every inch up the climbing wall, every step into the wilderness is a meditation. I am in the moment. And I feel FULL.

And this past weekend has reaffirmed that I am exactly where I need to be doing exactly what I need to be doing. This past weekend has taught me more about myself and my life than I've learned in the past 23 years. It wasn't just the destination or the people I was with, but the combination of the special moments I shared in the most incredible places with the most incredible people. Dancing around the fire holding hands with Saji while the boys went for a midnight hike, or climbing in the middle of the night with Dan to get a little closer to the stars and then surrendering. It was in those moments that something inside of me re-ignited and I saw, felt, and became. Yet the most beautiful part is that the weekend was an absolute failure to the plan we had made, but it turned out to be more perfect than anything we could have ever created. And the incredible part? We all trusted that it would turn out better than we had hoped. And it did.

I'm not going to share any stories from the weekend. Putting them into words would do them no justice, and is quite impossible, really. The moments of sheer panic, pure joy, uncontrollable laughter, drunken conversations, comfortable silence, quiet contemplation, and plain old ridiculousness just can't be described. So I won't try. And honestly, I don't really want to.

But I will share some pictures. So here's a little glimpse of heaven on Earth :-)

These first pictures are the drive to our campsite. We got into town a little later than expected so we took this drive at night (I took pictures the following day coming back from town.) We couldn't find any open campgrounds so we just kept driving until something looked good. We finally found something 30 minutes outside of Moab. (FYI- I had approximately 7 panic attacks during this car ride at night. Check out the pictures below and you'll understand why....unless you're Sebastian. Then you'd just pop open a beer while yelling "Dude! Let's ****ing do this!")

Imagine this at night, when all you see is a slab of rock to your left and a pit hole of complete darkness to your right...There was a moment when I demanded to be let out of the car. My demand was denied. Thankfully, I lived.

The next few pictures are of the canyon we camped in and our campsite.

We all slept under the stars...tent free.

The following are just some randoms I took throughout the trip.

Second day. We took a dip in a local lake while sleeping off our hangovers (first night was a little intense, see next picture.)

Morning of the second day. Somehow all pictures from the first night got deleted off my camera which is probably for the best judging from the picture above and the fact that none of us could remember all the details of what happened.

We had a friend with us!

Climbing boys :-)

The next few pictures are from our visit to Arches National Park. Notice the bare feet...pretty awesome that barefoot hiking appealed to all of us.

All of us at Delicate Arch.

Wren being a crazy mountain bear man.

And this is what the drive home looked like....

I live an incredible life. And I just have to keep moving forward. Speaking of moving forward, breaks over. Time to get back into the harness, tape up the blisters, strap on the climbing shoes cause it time to climb on, baby!

Glimpses of My Week (in Pictures)

Hey everyone! I've been a little MIA lately and I apologize for that. The days have been busy with temple upkeep and the nights filled with spontaneous adventures and road trips leaving little time for blogging. But I'll try to do better! I promise!

Before I bombard you all with tons of pictures, I thought I'd share some travel/vehicle/life updates:

• Car update: It looks like I will have to buy a new car here in Utah. So please wish me luck and send some positive thoughts my way as I navigate the world of used cars. It's a foreign world, but I think a few Skype sessions with my Dad about transmissions, brakes, and other subjects I know absolutely nothing about will *hopefully* provide a solid foundation. 

• Travel update: I will be at the Temple until early October and then I'm off to Arizona followed by New Mexico...and after that I intend to come back to Kalamazoo for the month of November. I have a strong desire to reconnect with P. and we are planning a trip somewhere warm...Jamaica? Aruba? Bahamas? We're considering all our options :-) There are many plans brewing for December and beyond, but I am hesitant to share until all the details are set in stone...but I'll share! Soon!

• Life update: Lately I've been questioning everything in my life. Why am I here? What am I doing with my life? Why am I in Utah? Where am I going? Why am I doing this? Why now? What am I learning? Am I using all my time wisely? Am I happy? Is this what I want? And at the same time I'm thinking "I am the luckiest person on the face of this planet. I am free. I have nowhere to be and nothing to do. Everything is possible. I am meeting the most incredible people. I can't stop smiling. I can't stop singing. I can't stop dancing. I can't stop staring at the mountains. I want to go hiking. Let's go hiking." And then I go hiking. It's quite bizarre, really. I am changing in the most incredible ways and I'm curious to see how that will affect my brief visit to Kalamazoo. 

And now a little glimpse into my week....

This is usually the sight I walk out to in the morning time as well as night time. These boys are obsessed with chess and other super awesome things like tea, reading, documentaries, exploring, yoga battles, spontaneous travels, and conversations that make no sense. I guess us traveling folk somehow end up in the same strange places.

Earlier on in the week, we took a trip to some hot springs. And to get there, we had to climb a mountain. No big deal; I was only sweating through every piece of clothing touching my body by the time we reached the top. At least the way back was all downhill..

And a few days ago, a few of us took a random road adventure and ended up in a parking lot wearing helmets, climbing on each others backs, and having head butting wars....no joke. Why? Well, why not? Oh, and did I mention there were head dresses and animal hats involved? Oh, and also, Dan has a whole living quarter in the back of his van...AWESOME for long road trips or spontaneous naps. Did I mention that these people rock?

Tomorrow we leave for a 3 day camping/hiking adventure in Arches National Park. I'm sure that us crazy kiddos will be climbing and exploring everything in sight...did I also mention that these people like to climb as much as I do? In fact, next week I'll be going mountain climbing. Like, the REAL DEAL mountain climbing....this. is. the. life. I'm not sure I could ever stop living it this way. I've got the traveling bug, and I'm not sure this version is curable.

I hope you all have an amazing weekend filled with your own kind of adventures!