Honesty Letter

"Stop leaving and you will arrive. Stop searching and you will see. Stop running away and you will be found." 

-Lao Tzu

When I read those words yesterday, they hit me hard. Really hard. I felt the threads of the reality I created for myself snap, one by one, until there was one thing left: acceptance. Pure acceptance of myself, my choices, and my freedom. A freedom to be open, to love, and to finally just BE. And I have BEEN- but I didn't know what I was BEING...if that even makes any sense. What I'm trying to say is that I've been searching for myself while constantly running away from what I found. Because, truth is, I am absolutely terrified of what I find. And what I found yesterday, through reading Lao Tzu's words, is that I am afraid of love.

I am not afraid of loving. I am overwhelmed by my love for everything and everyone constantly. But I am afraid of being loved. And I DON'T KNOW WHY. And because I don't know why, I leave and search and run. I distract and justify and hide.

No more.

I am tired.

I am exhausted.

No more hiding or leaving or running. It all starts here. Right now. This is going to be my honesty letter to myself and to you. Writing has always been my favorite form of expression and this feels right. It might be long; it might be scattered; it might not make any sense, but it will be exactly what it's meant to be- the start of discovery and healing. I want to be transparent. I want to be an open book. I want to be able to admit that I am scared of the darkness inside myself and I am also scared of the light. I'm not sure of the format or content or anything, really. But here goes.

• I started this blog to document my adventures and it's been wonderful looking back and re-reading words that make me feel incredible things. I can transport myself back to that moment in time and I can feel it in my heart. The blog has served its purpose in that respect. But eventually the blog became a distraction- a tool to help me escape from myself. I filled the posts with stories, pictures, and experiences. And I was as honest as I knew how to be. But it's difficult to be honest when you're not ready to look within yourself. So I stopped blogging. I felt like a hypocrite preaching of finding oneself when, there I was, wherever I happened to be, just running from the feelings that were surfacing. I might continue to blog, I might not. That's for my heart to decide.

• The way I love is very foreign to a lot of people. It scares them. They see it as attachment. And some even see it as psychotic. For real. And for the longest time I believed them. I believed the lies they told me and I began telling those lies to myself. I started to resent the part of me that loves. And then I moved to Utah into a house of people who understand and appreciate it. And I realized that the way I love is one of my biggest strengths. I may not like you, but I love you. I love everyone and everything. Being IN love with someone and just loving someone is the same to me. I love you. I am IN love with you. Whether you are a person, a tree, a cat, an addict, a friend, a lover, a stranger, I love you. I love the Universe. I just love. And now I finally understand that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But the years of programming and fear are still there. I saw it this past week. The reactions to my love from people who are closed and don't understand have bruised me significantly. So much so that I need an escape route when it comes to partnership and taking love to that level. And I will tell you exactly what I've done because I need to hold myself accountable and I need to stop that cycle.
• When I got out of my six year relationship, I ran. I escaped to the opposite side of the state because in that relationship, my love wasn't understood. And from that moment, I was scared to love. I was scared but I still did it. I loved and, over and over again, men found it intimidating. And I believed them when they said there was something wrong with it. Silly me. 
• So in order to love freely and openly with no boundaries I planned an escape route. I would quit my job and travel. I would run. And when I made that choice, I found a man that I loved and who loved me. I wasn't scared to love him because I knew that I was leaving. If he closed off to my love it didn't matter because I could run! I could get away! And I did. I left him and all the possibilities of that relationship. I damaged him. I hurt him. And in the process I hurt myself. I set up a reality where in order for me to love a man deeply I needed an escape route.
• While I was traveling, I fell in love with some beautiful souls. But that was okay because there was always a next destination. I felt safe. I didn't care if they felt the extent of my love or if they felt threatened by it because I would just leave. And I always left. Always.
• When I got to Utah, I decided I wouldn't open that part of myself because I wanted to stay here awhile. I didn't want to love a man if there was no escape route. I didn't want an escape route. I needed to stay and grow and be still for a bit.
• But as with all things, a man appeared. And when he appeared and my love started to grow I created an escape route. I bought a one-way ticket to India. I felt safe in loving deeply, from the depths of my soul, because I was leaving. And if it scared him I wouldn't have to deal with it. 
• And that is where I'm at. I can run and escape. Or not. I am finally giving myself an option to not run and it terrifies me. I'm not scared of things collapsing and the love not being understood. But the option to stay and finally love the way I love knowing that there's nothing wrong with it, that, in fact, it is so pure and beautiful is different. It's something I'm not accustomed to. And THAT scares me. Staring that programming straight in the face and finally breaking that cycle is so so scary. But I can't lie to myself. My one-way ticket to India is not a continuation of my growth. It is an escape. And if I choose to go, at least at this moment, I know with full awareness that it's an escape. I will no longer hide from that or justify it. It's the truth.

• I have a lot of grandeur ideas. I can change my mind on a whim if my intuition guides me there. I have learned that my heart and my intuition are my most significant guides. And I am finally learning to listen (hence the honesty letter), and most importantly, follow. And when I change my mind on a whim or create a situation so bizarre, so strange, I have every intention of following through. And I do. But with that comes the release of society and it's standards. I don't care about money- an abundance or a lack of. I don't care about status, or power, or your car, or your clothes, or anything you (and I) hide behind. And I've been hiding behind a lot of things. I've been convincing myself that I am different and I'm this crazy nomad hippie who loves to travel the world. Yes, I suppose I am that. But I will no longer use it as a justification for my actions. "Oh, I did THIS or THAT because I'm just a crazy hippie." No. That's not why I did it. I did it because I wanted to. I did it because it's my truth. I'm not any different from you and you're not any different from me. There doesn't need to be a separation based on stereotypes. And I am learning that lesson. I stereotype people and justify their actions based on a stereotype. I am separating myself from people because I don't agree with what they believe or what they do. I don't want to do that anymore. We are the same. We are one. And what I do to you, I do to myself. If you don't connect in the same way I do, it doesn't make you any less significant. And I've been treating people like they are less significant because I don't understand. It's a program that was instilled in me by society and culture since my soul decided to live on this planet. But I don't want it. And I am ready to take full responsibility for that program and heal that part of myself. I am ready to be called out on it and call myself out on it. It's time.

• Speaking of stereotypes, I created an image of myself that is a conflict in my heart. I feel like I am independent and I do enjoy traveling and pushing the limits in a lot of ways. I enjoy loving this planet and living a lifestyle that pushes society's boundaries. But there is a significant part of my heart that wants to settle down in a little cabin somewhere and have a family. I want to have a partner, and a garden, and be a regular at the local co-op. I want to have neighbors that I've known for years and a savings account and a little four wheel drive jeep that I drive along my regular route to a secret place in the mountains. I want to be a stay at home mom and cook dinners and cuddle up on the couch watching a movie. I want a routine and familiarity; I want stability. And while I thrive on living a nomadic lifestyle, I am beginning to wonder if it's time to slow down. But when I think about it, I get anxious. It goes against this image I've created for myself and I am having a hard time letting go. I'm not saying that I won't travel and explore, but settling down is something I've been thinking about. And it's time to admit that to myself; as hard and uncomfortable as it may feel.

• I have self-esteem issues. I struggle with loving my body and I am often concerned with how I present myself. There are many days when I don't feel very beautiful- on the inside or the outside. And I don't like feeling that way about myself. It's something I've been actively healing for a long time, and I still have a lot of healing to do. But I want to be open about it. I don't want to present confidence on days where I don't feel it. I want to have the courage to say "I'm just feeling really low about myself today." And I want to say it without an egotistical motive of getting positive reinforcement. I want to be okay with not feeling so good about myself sometimes. I hope that makes sense.

If you read this, thank you. Writing this was extremely healing for me. We are on a journey together and I am grateful for each one of you. Truly. We can help each other heal, but we can't be scared of each other. Yet, more importantly, we can't be scared of ourselves- the darkness and the light; the known and the unknown. I am on a journey to openness and I don't have anything to hide anymore. I don't want to. Thank you for being a part of that journey.