Bitter-sweetness

In an attempt to find some inspiration for a blog post today, I started looking through pictures. And then I realized how much I miss this...

And now my heart aches with bitter-sweetness.

Why so blue?

I have a confession to make.

I've got the blues.

For the past few weeks I've been feeling deep sadness, loneliness, and dullness. I haven't been excited about my life, I've lost that spark in my eyes and the pep in my stride, I've been feeling angry for no particular reason, and little things that would normally go unnoticed have been causing unnecessary stress.

A lot of you may be asking, why? And I was asking myself that question for weeks. Why am I feeling so depressed when I am living my ultimate dream, when my opportunities far exceed my wishes, and when the whole world is pulling me by the hand begging to be seen? Believe me, I was just as confused as you are. And then it hit me.


Travel burnout.


I am burned out. I have driven over 15,000 miles through the states, visited 3 different countries, driven countless 16 hour days, constantly on the move, not knowing where I would sleep or where I would end up by the end of the day. For 6 months...nonstop.

And it's been so much fun. I have learned and experienced more than I could have ever imagined. But it all happened so FAST. And I am so tired. I am physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. My whole being has been pushed to the limits in every way imaginable and I haven't given myself time to rest and process.

All the places I visit are starting to blur together and planning my next adventure seems more of a chore than the joy it used to be.

And then there's the travel romances. I am a fool when it comes to love, and therefore my heart breaks every time I leave. And I always leave. I always run away in fear of being hurt and instead I end up hurting myself. It's time to stop running and face those little demons lurking inside...I mean, it can't be as scary as jumping out of a perfectly good airplane or trusting a 1/4 inch rope to keep you from falling hundreds of feet, right?

So what now?

Time to slow down.  I need to grow some roots and integrate everything that has happened in the last 6 months. It might be for a month, it might be for a few months, it might even be for a year, but the idea of being in one place for a little while brings that spark back in my eye and the pep back in my step. It won't be forever; I am a lifetime adventurer and thrill seeker. It's in my blood. But my goal in life is happiness, not crossing things off my list. And right now I'm not happy, but I know what I need to do and the changes I need to make to get there again. I've got a few ideas in mind, and I will share as soon as they begin unfolding. The one thing I can tell you for a fact is that I will not be staying in Michigan. Other than that, stay tuned :-)

Unbreakable.

Once upon a time I was a college student (shocking, I know!).

Once upon a time I graduated from college (wait, WHAT?!)

Once upon a time I skipped my college graduation and ran away to the beach (yes, typical).

And once upon a time I lived with a roommate; for four years; all through college. She was beautiful and the good looking guys were always hanging around her. And because I lived with her, I got to hang around all the good looking guys. In return, I stayed up all night with her studying for useless exams while drinking excessive amounts of wine and possibly dressing up like cats and dancing around like fools 3 hours before finals. Drunk. (True story). It was a win-win.

Sometimes we would clean up nice and go doing whatever it was college kids did in those days.

But most of the time we would be staying up to wee hours of the morning trying to memorize useless information that was instantly forgotten 24 hours later. And again, there may or may not have been wine involved. And half naked runs through the parking lot in the rain, at night, to "wake ourselves up." And climbing over fences into forbidden pools for the same reason mentioned above.

We fought like sisters, made up like sisters, and lived like sisters.

We wore matching raincoats.

Cuddled in the mountains.

And I even convinced her to go camping and jump off things. (I may have taken it too far when I tried to get her barefoot..clearly, I failed.)

Everything was blissful in our world except for one thing.....

See that monkey on the right? For some reason he was always coming around eating my food, using my shower, stealing my clothes (there are pictures to prove this...), stealing my girl, breathing my air, and just taking up way too much space.

I tried to suffocate him with love (I tend to be good at that).

And when that didn't work, I tried to suffocate him literally.

But he wouldn't budge. So I did the unthinkable; I let him come around eating my food, drinking my water, breathing my air, and dating my girl. Every weekend I would see his monkey face, put up with his obnoxious snoring, and let him sit on the couch to watch the Spartans kick some football and basketball ass. I may or may not have given him some hugs...my memory seems to be a little cloudy.

So of course, when I reunited with my lady yesterday, a certain smelly monkey decided to make an appearance.

It's possible that I even missed him a little...I mean, he did live with me part-time for four years.

But, thankfully, that morning the monkey had to work so I got my girl all to myself to do what we do best...

Mimosas and tarot cards. A lazy morning tradition that started over 6 years ago.

After seeing each other at least 5 days a week for four years, and then only seeing each other 5 times in the past three years, I wasn't sure if things would be the same. Both of our lives had drastically changed, and so had we. I was a little nervous..would we understand each others jokes? Would we be understanding and respectful of each others lifestyle choices? Would we giggle for hours to the point of aching abs and bursting bladders? Would we bring out each others quirks and silliness like we used to?

Yes. Yes we would. Because as different as we are, as continents separate us, as new friends and sisters and boyfriends come into our lives, as lives change and evolve, we still have those four years of sisterhood. And in our case, it's strong enough and cherished enough to keep our bond strong. We are unbreakable.

And the monkey is starting to grow on me. I even told her she should keep him...for a few more years anyways :-)

Some Things Never Change

Well, friends, after a little hiatus, I am back in action! It was nice to take a little break from the blog for a bit, but I realized that 1) I miss writing, 2) I miss sharing, 3) I miss connecting. So I'm back and really excited!

After a long month is Czech Republic, Poland, and a stint in Missouri, I am now in Michigan (only for two weeks) reconnecting with family and friends. And while I have lots of European stories and pictures, what I'd really like to talk about is this guy-

I've talked about him before, and I'm about to talk about him again. Why? Well because he is awesome, easy on the eyes, and I had the honorable pleasure of seeing his chiseled cheekbones on Monday. The conversation leading up to the epic reunion went a little something like this-

Y: "Denny."

D: "Laney."

Y: "Let's play."

D: "Okay. When?"

Y: "Now."

D: "Yes."

Denny and I don't make plans. We just make things happen. Like the first time we hung out; we had only known each other for a few days (we met at work), and I'm not sure we even liked each other.  I was a weird hippie dressed in the latest vintage dress scored from Salvation Army talking about local music and local food, and Denny was well-groomed, dressed in Express collared shirts talking about the new Katy Perry song and Burger King. So I'm not sure how we ended up on the shores of Lake Michigan, on a Saturday, just the two of us with a 12-pack in hand...but it happened.

And then we somehow ended up in Toronto where I realized that I had left my only pair of jeans at Denny's place and, therefore, had no pants (except for the 10 year old sweatpants I wore during the car ride) to wear. And when he graciously offered me a pair of his jeans (he brought 3 pairs with him...go figure), I knew that we'd be friends for life. 

Wearing Denny's jeans.

I tried to convince him that the jeans looked much better on me than on him (which clearly they do!) and he should let me keep them. But he wasn't having any of it. I forgave him when he took me to Niagara Falls.

Showing off his Spartan pride!

And because no one got murdered or seriously injured on our Canadian trip, a few short months later we found ourselves at the airport.....

...on our way to Key West! And aside from a few kinks (like a missed flight, an unexpected night in North Carolina, and a grumpy "on the verge of a panic attack" Denny) we had an awesome time experiencing the best of Key West, like...

Clothing optional bars...yes, we went in. No, we did not take our clothes off.

Cardboard cutouts.

Playing footsie while Denny freaks out about being so high up in the air.

So it's only natural that when I saw Denny for the first time in 6 months on Monday, we attacked each other with bear hugs and went to the bar, at 3pm, to talk about love, life, and the fact that we should go to San Francisco because it's awesome and we are the best travel partners. And there might have been a few "I love you's", "I've missed you's", and " I can't believe you're here's"involved. Cute. I know.

Multiple drinks later, we were making friends with foreign exchange students sitting next to us talking about how girls in England are "easier" than girls in America because in America you actually need to have a conversation with the girl before taking her home.  I then told the bartender that he had a beautiful face, he gave us free margaritas, I gave the exchange students a piece of my mind, and we moved on to the next bar. Five bars later, we ended up at a nightclub during "Industrial Night"....

D: "I want to hear Adele."

Y: "You should go ask the DJ if he could set fire to the rain." (jokingly)

D: (approaches DJ) "Ummm...excuse me sir.....do you think you can set fire to the rain?"

DJ: "No. Absolutely not."

Y: (starts laughing hysterically) "Come on Denny. Let's dance."

D: "Why is there a girl walking around in her bra and underwear?"

Y: "I don't know. Maybe it's "Industrial?""

D: "What does that even mean?"

Y: "I think we need another drink."

After picking up a pizza, we stumble our way back to Denny's place. I find my MacBook. And Photobooth. And the following morning I discovered these:

The next morning:

D: (stumbles out of his room and crawls on the couch with me...which is clearly not large enough for the two of us) "UUGGGHH...I don't feel good."

Y: "Get off the couch! You're suffocating me!"

D: "Ouch. You're talking too loud. My face hurts. My knee hurts. Did we fall last night?"

Y: "I don't think so...."

D: "What actually happened last night?"

Y: " You asked the DJ to set fire to the rain. I told the bartender he had a beautiful face. You know, the usual."

D: "I need some water."

Y: "I need a Bloody Mary."

D: "I need some water, and a Bloody Mary."

Y: "I need coffee."

D: "I need food. Greasy food."

Y: "Yes. Let's go."

D: (singing) "Don't forget me! I beg! I remember you said, sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Y: (singing) "If you ever leave me baby! Leave some morphine at my door!"

D: "Where are we going?"

Y: "Somewhere where there's coffee. And greasy food. And possibly, Bloody Mary's"

D: "Ummm...let's keep it classy and go to McDonalds."

Y: "Only for you, Denny. Only for you..."

Yup. Some things never change. And in this case, I like it. Love it, in fact. Almost as much as I love that boy...especially when we have drunken conversations like this-

D: "Do you think I can be your best man at your wedding?"

Y: "You can be my 'Man of Honor'....wait, when am I getting married?"

D: "Oh, you know....sometime..."

Y: "I don't know about that."

D: "Well, why not?"

Y: "I have to stay in one place long enough for someone to actually get to know me. I don't do that. You know this."

D: "You're gonna run forever?"

Y: "I don't know."

D: "So....if we're both 40 and single, would you marry me?"

Y: "Are you proposing to me?"

D: "This is weird."

Y: "I love awkward situations."

D: "You're weird."

Y: "Precisely why I probably won't ever get married."

D: "Why is that old lady staring at us?"

Y: "Probably because I just spilled my beer all over myself."

D: "Typical."

Y: "Don't even go there."

D: "I missed you."

Y: "I missed you too."

D: "So what happened with that guy?"

Y: "I ran."

D: "Typical."

Y: "Yup."

D: "You're never gonna get married."

Y: "I need another drink."

D: "Wait, why are we talking about marriage?"

Y: "I don't know. You brought it up."

D: "I need another drink."

Y: "Two more Two Hearted's please!"

Blunt. Honest. Complete Nonsense. A friendship made in heaven.

A Little Ramble from the Rambling Kind

“Traveling outgrows its motives. It soon proves sufficient in itself. You think you are making a trip, but soon it is making you – or unmaking you.”- Nicolas Bouvier


When I first hit the road in late August, I was so excited to be "on an epic road trip of a lifetime"; choosing where to go, what to see, where to stay, what to do. I thought I'd be in control of just about everything. Oh boy, how wrong I was. Silly, silly me.

What I learned is that when you try to control, all the forces in the world work against you. You end up at the wrong places, with the wrong people, doing all the wrong things, completely miserable, depressed, and confused. And this isn't limited to traveling, it's a truth of life itself. 

The key is to let go. Let go of all judgments, assumptions, and expectations. Learn how to listen and be still. And then the beauty of the road will unfold before you and you will no longer be leading, you will be following. You will no longer have a choice; there will be no choice. Every cell in your being already chose for you, and you have to ignore the doubts, concerns, fears, and hesitations brewing inside that fickle mind and just go. Just do it. Don't think; just feel. Listen and follow.

Your mind will be fighting; surfacing every program that has been instilled in you since birth.

What about your career?
What about money? You can't afford this!
What about your family? Friends? Lover?
You're being irresponsible!
You're acting childish!

But those are all programs! They're not real! They are illusions clouding your mind from the moment you were born and someone labeled you "A boy!" or "A girl!" and put the "appropriate" color blanket around you. If you found out that you had cancer, would you care about the amount of money you make? Or how good your hair looks? Or what brand your jeans are? Or whether your nails are done or your facial hair trimmed? Or the fight you had with your boyfriend/girlfriend 2 days ago that you're still fueling? Probably not. And with our generation the question isn't "Will I get cancer?", it's "When will I get cancer?"Just something to think about.

Our society is largely driven by promises of a happy future and suffering in the present to secure that future happiness. We suffer through high school in hopes of getting into a good college. We suffer through college in hopes of getting a good job. We suffer through long and tedious work hours in hopes of getting a promotion and a raise. We receive the promotion and the raise and realize that in the process we lost our spouse and our kids because we had no time for them. We suffer through decades of hard work to reach retirement. We reach retirement and realize that we have missed out on our lives for a program, an illusion of "society". But what about YOU? The inner YOU? Are you genuinely happy and fulfilled right now? Don't lie to yourself. Be honest. If you are, that's great! And if not, take one little step to change that. Do something for yourself. Because the reality is, you will die. I will die. I don't know when or how, but it will happen. For all of us. But how are you going to live? It should be the fear of living a fake, compulsory, repetitive life, not the fear of death that haunts you.

There are so many people criticizing what I do...I'm not sure why, but it happens all the time. What if you fall while rock climbing? What if you get stuck in a canyon and a flash flood comes? What if you get in a car accident? What if someone breaks into your car while you're sleeping in it? What if a bear attacks you when you're camping alone? What if you die due to (insert whatever ridiculous scenario you choose)? Well, in either one of those cases I will probably die. Therefore, I won't really care. But the excitement, the feeling of being truly ALIVE that I get from climbing an exposed route, or winding my way through a narrow canyon, or driving without a plan or destination is what makes my life worth living. I am alive. I surrendered to the road, the journey, months ago, and I am no longer in control. I am just listening and following; even if my mind is filled with doubt and hesitations..I'm following.

This trip to Europe is teaching me so much. Life in Ostrava is really simple, really quiet, and quite uneventful. It gets dark around 4pm, there aren't any neighbors around, and the nearest town is about 30 minutes away. I had no expectations for this whole trip; just allowing life to lead me where I need to go, and I ended up here; in a place that's really breaking down my layers, teaching me, and "unmaking" me. I spend a lot of time journaling, dreaming, taking long walks in the country side, and just contemplating life and the truths of the Universe. I feel like my conception of reality as I knew it is completely gone. I'm not sure what's real and what's an illusion, but I am learning. I am seeing the choices before me and stepping back to listen and be still. And when the time is right, I'll follow. But right now, I'm just resting, de-cluttering, and untying those knots of uncertainty and fear.

This place, this trip, is so good for my soul. I feel it deeply. I am grateful for this life, all of these lessons and realizations, and for the truth of reality. I hope that something in this post struck something within you. And even if it didn't thanks for reading and allowing me to share the little ramblings of my mind. Hope you're all having a good week!

Greetings from the Homeland!

It's a rainy, windy, cuddle-up under a blanket and read a good book with a cup (or two, or 10) of coffee kind of weather in Czech Republic this morning. And after a long weekend, that sounds just perfect.

Currently, this is what I'm reading:

 

I'm about a third of the way through and it's quite good. I'll do a book review as soon as I'm finished.

But I'm sure you guys don't really care about what I'm reading and you're more interested in where I'm at and what I'm doing, right? Well, I am in Ostrava, Czech Republic! I got here on December 1 (I can't believe it's already been 4 days...time is flying!) after a grueling 48 hours of travel. The flight from NYC to Prague was relatively uneventful, but that may have something to do with the complimentary wine and beer I very graciously took advantage of.  Judge away.

After landing and meeting up with Jorge, we were driven to the train station by two lovely friends where we took a 3 hour train from Prague to Ostrava. We had about an hour before the train and decided to get a cup of coffee (actually, I demanded it and threatened suicide if I didn't get it...have I mentioned that I'm a bit of a coffee addict?)...and then my world was shattered into a billion little pieces when I got this:

So what's the big deal, right? Please look at the size of the cup compared to that teaspoon. That cup was smaller than the size of my palm. That amount of coffee will get my left pinkie functioning; maybe the index finger too, but that's pushing it. Take a look at this and you will understand...hopefully:

And as I faked the fakest smile imaginable and pretended to sip on my doll-sized coffee with enthusiasm, there were only dark thoughts running through the mind.

"I wasn't prepared for this! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS?!? Why is the Universe out to get me? I have to go back. I can't live like this for 5 weeks. THIS IS HORRIBLE! Alright, Yelena, breathe. Just breathe. There you go, in and out, in and out. No! Don't cry! No! You can't jump under that train! It's just 5 weeks, you can do it. Breathe. In and out. In and out."

After inhaling my drop of coffee in a single gulp, I dragged my feet to the nearest grocery store to buy the biggest bag of ground coffee I could find when I saw something that turned my frown upside down...a pint of Czech beer. For $0.75. Now I'd say that's a pretty good trade off- tiny sized coffee for tiny priced beer. I'll take it.

We were greeted in Ostrava by the sweetest, most generous couple and that's where we'll be staying for two weeks. They live in a picturesque European country home surrounded by rolling hills and forests. Also part of the family, four huge dogs! They are soft, cuddly, and the cutest little guys in town. However, we're still getting assimilated to each other and I don't think they'd appreciate a camera shoved in their face for a picture...in fact, I'm a little scared they'd bite my face off. Sooo...pictures will come...just a little bit later.

This past weekend was filled with loads of Czech people, a drumbuilding workshop, a spontaneous jam/dance party (I have pictures, but this event needs a post of it's own...it was that awesome), amaaazziing food, a sweat lodge, lots of laughs and giggles, and just lots of genuine goodness. I will spare you the details and just mention one thing that really struck my heart deep;

Language, in the physical sense, is simply a convenient way of communicating, but you don't need it to establish meaningful connections. It is the soul language, the language of the heart, that establishes significant bonds. A huge smile with a wink is just as meaningful as an hour of conversation and a bear hug, a real hearty joining, will make strangers into fast friends. I met people this past weekend who didn't speak a word of English, but just by looking, really looking, into each others eyes we knew more about one another than any conversation could reveal. It was so powerful and so beautiful.

And another thing that really struck me...

These people don't care about nudity. At all. Alleluia! Since there were over 20 people staying in a house with one shower, there were naked butts running around everywhere. I didn't care. They didn't care. It wasn't uncomfortable...In fact, there were naked cartwheels on the front lawn. In the states, a slip of a nipple would result in a wave of whispers, judgments, and criticism. And most of you are probably judging and criticizing this right now...and that's a bummer. It's a human body. It's beautiful. Let's celebrate it, yes? I've always felt this way, and now I'm actually living it. It's refreshing, it's delightful, it's no big deal.

I will have pictures coming soon. I realized that I went from taking an excessive amount of pictures in order to physically capture everything to taking no pictures in order to mentally capture everything...I'm in the process of finding the middle ground. Please bear with me. But pictures! Soon! Yes!

And now I must get back to my perfectly-brewed, American-sized, cup'o joe. Until next time, Ahoy (bye)!