not really...
unless you enjoy being in the company of a 23-year-old throwing 3 year old fit.
Every time I book a flight, I get really giddy and excited and can't wait to arrive at my destination.However, I purposely block out the flying portion of the trip to avoid having a melt down and a potential heart attack just thinking about it. Not kidding, it's really that bad. Which is really surprising because a little over a year ago I did this-
So I can jump out of a perfectly good plane, but I can't fly in one?
Yup.
It usually goes a little something like this..
I tend to book most flight early in the day, just like most people would. I tend to travel light and usually don't have any baggage to check saving me a bit of time. (This may or may not be a subconscious way of spending less time at the airport. ) I am also a pro at going through security; I've got my sweater off, my shoes off, everything put appropriately into the plastic bins (laptop goes in by itself without the case, everyone), and boarding pass in hand. To a stranger, I look like a chill passenger ready to take a nap or pull out a great book upon boarding. Little does this stranger know...
As soon as I get through security, I bolt for the bar.
"Hi. Can I get two shots of Jack, please?"
"Umm...miss, it's 6:45 in the morning, we don't start serving alcohol until 7."
"But my flight boards at 7am, could you please make an exception this one time?"
"Sorry miss, it's company policy."
And as I sit down to wait the extra 15 minutes, I notice an elderly couple starring at me while eating their cereal. At this point, I don't care. My palms are sweating, my heart is racing, and I NEED MY BOOZE TO CALM ME DOWN. (I'm Russian. Don't judge me. It's either that or buying a Xanax from a strung out hipster living across the street. ) My leg starts to shake and I close my eyes in an attempt to calm myself. I try yogic breathing. Doesn't work. Damn it. I try to think of a calming chant, some sort of visual meditation, or anything from my spiritual knowledge bank to calm me down. Nothing. Instead my mind is yelling "You are going to die! The plane won't make it! Don't get on it! Call your mother and tell her you love her!" Seriously. Even if I'm traveling with other people, I have a mental panic attack.
Usually, as I near my ultimate breaking point, 7am rolls around and I order my two shots of Jack. I like to think it's the Universe's way of taking care of me. The Universe is like "Alright! She's about to lose it! Speed up time! Damn it, there's children staring at her asking what's wrong with the woman shaking uncontrollably at the bar stool. Speed up time, NOW!" Thanks, Universe.
So I pay an obscene amount of money for my shots, down 'em like a tailgating MSU student (which, I am by the way), and run as fast as I can towards my gate so I don't miss boarding. Boarding usually goes smoothly since my head is slightly buzzing and I don't really care what happens to me at that moment. I settle in and close my eyes. I'm sure that the person sitting next to me is sighing a breath of relief; thanking the stars for a quiet passenger instead of a screaming child. Little do they know...
Of course, there is always a hold up.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are 107th in line for take-off. We will be taking off in approximately 17 hours. So hang in there, and please keep your seat belts fastened."
Shit. Shit. Shit. I see a flight attendant and quickly make my move..
"Excuse me. May I get a cocktail, please?"
"I'm sorry, we don't start serving drinks until we are in the air and at a cruising altitude."
"Oh....okay. How long until we take off?"
"Well, it looks like the time just increased to 49328578 hours, but we'll be up and cruising in no time!"
Now at this point, I tend to have a lapse in memory which I am extremely thankful for. Cause the moments I do remember involve me clutching the arm rests like a possessed person, screaming in terror at every instance of turbulence, and stalking the flight attendants for ridiculous amounts of alcohol. And I may or may not kiss the ground the moment I get off the plane.
Tomorrow I embark on my journey to Mexico. Wish me luck. Have a few morning cocktails for me.
Also, I'm not sure if I'll be able to blog while I'm in Mexico (I need to save my life savings for the airplane alcohol, won't have enough for Mexican internet), so expect a fun post in a week or so! Until then-
Eat Well, Sleep Well, Be Well, Live Well.
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