Human, Lion, Alien, and a Hybrid.

The Universe didn't guide me to Utah, or to the southwest, or to the field of wilderness therapy. The Universe guided me to three adventure partners; three individuals who vibrate on the same frequency; three seekers of truth and love; three soul mates. But to be more accurate, the Universe guided me to three 7 year-olds in adult bodies. Seriously.

The Human

The Hybrid

The Alien

So clearly, it's only natural that I fit right in.

The Lion

We just understand each other. It's so easy with us. But it's so strange and foreign to others. Example:

The past few weeks all of us have been experiencing something strange; like a spiritual awakening and the dissolve of the ego. And over the past week it's been growing exponentially. So much so that over the past few days each of us has broken down to the point of hysterical sobbing, not really sure where the tears are coming from. Two days ago it happened to me. I was sitting in the backyard and I just started to sob. And as if on cue, Maria came and sat with me, just being there.

Maria: "Can I see your laptop?"
Me (sobbing): "Sure."

Maria puts on "No Woman No Cry" and I start sobbing even louder. I was purging everything- attachments, programming, all the lies I've been told that I believed, and the realization that I have to let go. Let go of everything and just love even if it hurts, even if it's uncomfortable.

I don't even need to say anything. She understands. Her soul understands my soul. And then Miles comes outside. I instantly feel his soul join ours.

Miles (smiling): "Well, I guess it your turn."

Just the day before, Miles had his moment of purging and release. So he got it. Completely.

Miles then proceeds to shoot some basketball hoops. And I proceed to sob with full support from my soul mates.

All of a sudden Austin runs out with a ukelele in hand yelling,

"Yelena! I wrote a song for you! Wanna hear it?"

Me: "Hell yes."

Austin then proceeds to play me a horrible sounding melody with words that make absolutely no sense. But it was the best gift I received that day.  And my hysterical sobs turned into hysterical sobs accompanied by hysterical laughter. Then we all just started laughing. The full belly, tears in eyes, can't stop kind of laughter.

Me: "What is happening you guys?"
Maria: "We're all just going crazy."
Miles: "No, we're all just going sane."
Austin: "I love you guys."

Soul mates. Unconditional Love. Full Understanding. Limitless Respect. I have never experiencing anything like this in my life. I've gotten tastes and glimpses of it. But this? Never. It renews my trust in the Universe and, as hard and uncomfortable as things are right now, I know that it's just the dissolve of the ego and the path towards truth. Towards love.

We went on a hike yesterday with a man that came into our lives at the most perfect moment; Universally created. And he connected us on a level that cannot, and will not, dissolve in this lifetime or any lifetimes to come. He led us through a powerful ceremony of creation, connection, and love. As we lay there, in the medicine wheel, with our heads touching I felt their hearts and their souls. And I know, all four of us know, that we have a safe place to reunite and connect on the ethereal plane regardless of where the Universe leads us. Whether we are together or separate, we are forever connected.

And, at that moment in time, we became ourselves. Our true selves. The equivalent of 4-year-olds.

Miles: "So, Austin and I saw a bunch of dragons the other night on our way to Springdale."
Me: "Seriously?"
Austin: "Yea."
Me: "No way! I don't believe you."
Miles: "Do you believe in dragons?"
Me: "Yea."
Austin: "It was the kind of dragons that you see in Harry Potter."
Maria: "How many were there?"
Austin: "Like a whole bunch."
Me: "I'm jealous."
Miles: "You should be. It was awesome."
Me: "Damn it. I wish I was there."
Maria: "Me too."

With us, there is no judgement. There is pure understanding. Bailing on plans, changing minds, being in a funk, going through emotional roller-coasters are respected with love and compassion. Anger is seen as a personal problem, as is tension. Communication is wide open. Love is everywhere. Blame doesn't exist. We are soul beings having a human experience.

And luckily, we are having this experience together. Even when there is physical separation, life taking us separate ways to learn our lessons, to follow our paths, our souls are always together, connected through time and space. And that is my truth. Our truth. How lucky am I?

The luckiest. But as with all things- the time will come where we'll have to let go of seeing each other everyday, of daily hugs and constant adventures. For me, this moon cycle is all about letting go. Letting go of ideas, expectations, attachments, programs, and ego. And as I enter this cycle, the following words vibrate in my heart so I can remember; so I can connect.

To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

Honesty Letter

"Stop leaving and you will arrive. Stop searching and you will see. Stop running away and you will be found." 

-Lao Tzu

When I read those words yesterday, they hit me hard. Really hard. I felt the threads of the reality I created for myself snap, one by one, until there was one thing left: acceptance. Pure acceptance of myself, my choices, and my freedom. A freedom to be open, to love, and to finally just BE. And I have BEEN- but I didn't know what I was BEING...if that even makes any sense. What I'm trying to say is that I've been searching for myself while constantly running away from what I found. Because, truth is, I am absolutely terrified of what I find. And what I found yesterday, through reading Lao Tzu's words, is that I am afraid of love.

I am not afraid of loving. I am overwhelmed by my love for everything and everyone constantly. But I am afraid of being loved. And I DON'T KNOW WHY. And because I don't know why, I leave and search and run. I distract and justify and hide.

No more.

I am tired.

I am exhausted.

No more hiding or leaving or running. It all starts here. Right now. This is going to be my honesty letter to myself and to you. Writing has always been my favorite form of expression and this feels right. It might be long; it might be scattered; it might not make any sense, but it will be exactly what it's meant to be- the start of discovery and healing. I want to be transparent. I want to be an open book. I want to be able to admit that I am scared of the darkness inside myself and I am also scared of the light. I'm not sure of the format or content or anything, really. But here goes.

• I started this blog to document my adventures and it's been wonderful looking back and re-reading words that make me feel incredible things. I can transport myself back to that moment in time and I can feel it in my heart. The blog has served its purpose in that respect. But eventually the blog became a distraction- a tool to help me escape from myself. I filled the posts with stories, pictures, and experiences. And I was as honest as I knew how to be. But it's difficult to be honest when you're not ready to look within yourself. So I stopped blogging. I felt like a hypocrite preaching of finding oneself when, there I was, wherever I happened to be, just running from the feelings that were surfacing. I might continue to blog, I might not. That's for my heart to decide.

• The way I love is very foreign to a lot of people. It scares them. They see it as attachment. And some even see it as psychotic. For real. And for the longest time I believed them. I believed the lies they told me and I began telling those lies to myself. I started to resent the part of me that loves. And then I moved to Utah into a house of people who understand and appreciate it. And I realized that the way I love is one of my biggest strengths. I may not like you, but I love you. I love everyone and everything. Being IN love with someone and just loving someone is the same to me. I love you. I am IN love with you. Whether you are a person, a tree, a cat, an addict, a friend, a lover, a stranger, I love you. I love the Universe. I just love. And now I finally understand that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But the years of programming and fear are still there. I saw it this past week. The reactions to my love from people who are closed and don't understand have bruised me significantly. So much so that I need an escape route when it comes to partnership and taking love to that level. And I will tell you exactly what I've done because I need to hold myself accountable and I need to stop that cycle.
• When I got out of my six year relationship, I ran. I escaped to the opposite side of the state because in that relationship, my love wasn't understood. And from that moment, I was scared to love. I was scared but I still did it. I loved and, over and over again, men found it intimidating. And I believed them when they said there was something wrong with it. Silly me. 
• So in order to love freely and openly with no boundaries I planned an escape route. I would quit my job and travel. I would run. And when I made that choice, I found a man that I loved and who loved me. I wasn't scared to love him because I knew that I was leaving. If he closed off to my love it didn't matter because I could run! I could get away! And I did. I left him and all the possibilities of that relationship. I damaged him. I hurt him. And in the process I hurt myself. I set up a reality where in order for me to love a man deeply I needed an escape route.
• While I was traveling, I fell in love with some beautiful souls. But that was okay because there was always a next destination. I felt safe. I didn't care if they felt the extent of my love or if they felt threatened by it because I would just leave. And I always left. Always.
• When I got to Utah, I decided I wouldn't open that part of myself because I wanted to stay here awhile. I didn't want to love a man if there was no escape route. I didn't want an escape route. I needed to stay and grow and be still for a bit.
• But as with all things, a man appeared. And when he appeared and my love started to grow I created an escape route. I bought a one-way ticket to India. I felt safe in loving deeply, from the depths of my soul, because I was leaving. And if it scared him I wouldn't have to deal with it. 
• And that is where I'm at. I can run and escape. Or not. I am finally giving myself an option to not run and it terrifies me. I'm not scared of things collapsing and the love not being understood. But the option to stay and finally love the way I love knowing that there's nothing wrong with it, that, in fact, it is so pure and beautiful is different. It's something I'm not accustomed to. And THAT scares me. Staring that programming straight in the face and finally breaking that cycle is so so scary. But I can't lie to myself. My one-way ticket to India is not a continuation of my growth. It is an escape. And if I choose to go, at least at this moment, I know with full awareness that it's an escape. I will no longer hide from that or justify it. It's the truth.

• I have a lot of grandeur ideas. I can change my mind on a whim if my intuition guides me there. I have learned that my heart and my intuition are my most significant guides. And I am finally learning to listen (hence the honesty letter), and most importantly, follow. And when I change my mind on a whim or create a situation so bizarre, so strange, I have every intention of following through. And I do. But with that comes the release of society and it's standards. I don't care about money- an abundance or a lack of. I don't care about status, or power, or your car, or your clothes, or anything you (and I) hide behind. And I've been hiding behind a lot of things. I've been convincing myself that I am different and I'm this crazy nomad hippie who loves to travel the world. Yes, I suppose I am that. But I will no longer use it as a justification for my actions. "Oh, I did THIS or THAT because I'm just a crazy hippie." No. That's not why I did it. I did it because I wanted to. I did it because it's my truth. I'm not any different from you and you're not any different from me. There doesn't need to be a separation based on stereotypes. And I am learning that lesson. I stereotype people and justify their actions based on a stereotype. I am separating myself from people because I don't agree with what they believe or what they do. I don't want to do that anymore. We are the same. We are one. And what I do to you, I do to myself. If you don't connect in the same way I do, it doesn't make you any less significant. And I've been treating people like they are less significant because I don't understand. It's a program that was instilled in me by society and culture since my soul decided to live on this planet. But I don't want it. And I am ready to take full responsibility for that program and heal that part of myself. I am ready to be called out on it and call myself out on it. It's time.

• Speaking of stereotypes, I created an image of myself that is a conflict in my heart. I feel like I am independent and I do enjoy traveling and pushing the limits in a lot of ways. I enjoy loving this planet and living a lifestyle that pushes society's boundaries. But there is a significant part of my heart that wants to settle down in a little cabin somewhere and have a family. I want to have a partner, and a garden, and be a regular at the local co-op. I want to have neighbors that I've known for years and a savings account and a little four wheel drive jeep that I drive along my regular route to a secret place in the mountains. I want to be a stay at home mom and cook dinners and cuddle up on the couch watching a movie. I want a routine and familiarity; I want stability. And while I thrive on living a nomadic lifestyle, I am beginning to wonder if it's time to slow down. But when I think about it, I get anxious. It goes against this image I've created for myself and I am having a hard time letting go. I'm not saying that I won't travel and explore, but settling down is something I've been thinking about. And it's time to admit that to myself; as hard and uncomfortable as it may feel.

• I have self-esteem issues. I struggle with loving my body and I am often concerned with how I present myself. There are many days when I don't feel very beautiful- on the inside or the outside. And I don't like feeling that way about myself. It's something I've been actively healing for a long time, and I still have a lot of healing to do. But I want to be open about it. I don't want to present confidence on days where I don't feel it. I want to have the courage to say "I'm just feeling really low about myself today." And I want to say it without an egotistical motive of getting positive reinforcement. I want to be okay with not feeling so good about myself sometimes. I hope that makes sense.

If you read this, thank you. Writing this was extremely healing for me. We are on a journey together and I am grateful for each one of you. Truly. We can help each other heal, but we can't be scared of each other. Yet, more importantly, we can't be scared of ourselves- the darkness and the light; the known and the unknown. I am on a journey to openness and I don't have anything to hide anymore. I don't want to. Thank you for being a part of that journey.

Houston, We Have A Problem....

I really need to be more consistent with updating so I don't dump a ridiculously long post on all of you like I'm about to do. So be prepared, this is a lengthy one.

I arrived in Houston late in the evening with the hopes of having a quiet night consisting of Netflix and snuggling under the blankets. And everything was going according to plan until I got hungry. As some of you know a hungry Yelena = a grumpy Yelena; and that's not fun for anyone. Since I just got into town a few hours before, I had no idea where to go. Thankfully, a pair of guys from Denmark arrived shortly after me and after some prying and snooping I found out that they were going out for beers. I then proceeded to invite myself out with them without giving them a chance to decline...I was hungry; courtesy wasn't on my priority list at that given moment. So we went out to eat. And we then wandered over to a sports bar where we drank ourselves silly until 3am.

Robin and Mikkel

The next two days I did what I came to Houston to do- relax and recharge. I wandered around downtown and found a nice spot in the park to read. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and life was blissful. Then the day before Valentine's Day, I took myself out to a dinner and a movie. And, ladies, if you've never taken yourself out before you're definitely missing out! All it took was a few days and I felt back to my good old self again! Nothing like a little quality time with yourself to recharge those batteries.

On actual Valentine's Day, Robin, Mikkel, a new friend Patrick, and myself decided to get dolled up and go dancing at an 80's bar. We played drunken Jenga, showed off our Michael Jackson moves, and did the robot to a series of jealous glares. It was a perfect Valentine's Day. The next day, my Denmark friends left for New Orleans (be still my heart and remember how Mardi Gras almost killed you), and I hit up the museums.

There was the Museum of Natural Sciences, which was pretty cool (sometimes I forget that I'm a microbiologist and a geek for science-y things).

They had a pretty wicked crystals exhibit and the art work throughout the museum was incredible!

The museum also had a butterfly house, and being a tad obsessed with butterflies, I spent most of my day sitting on a bench watching them fly all around me. However, every time one would land on me I'd freak out and cause an unintentional scene...sometimes I wonder about myself...

After finally snapping out of my butterfly induced coma, I wandered over to the Museum of Fine Art where I got yelled at for taking pictures and then followed around to ensure that I didn't do it again. However, I got away with a few shots and then took myself out for a glass of wine.

My night ended at the Planetarium where I was whisked off by psychedelic visuals to the sweet sound of Robert Plant's voice. When I finally returned to the hostel, I was greeted by a handful of newcomers who soon became instant friends (the main reason I love hostels). And being instant friends, the following morning we all squeezed ourselves into a vehicle and ended up at the NASA Space Museum where we transformed into a bunch of little 8 year-olds running around on a sugar high.

After the NASA museum, we returned to the hostel to even more newcomers! So of course, time to get to know each other a bit better over a few (or more than a few, for some of us) drinks.

Apparently, balancing shot sized bottles on your forehead is an honored skill in Canada.

As is drinking from measuring cups.

Until a certain Russian comes along and shows you how it's really done.

And because after a few drinks dancing is a requirement, we all went out to a dueling pianos bar where the silliness continued...

 

The next day consisted of a 9pm bedtime for all of us. And the following day of movies, blanket snuggles, and comfort food.

Houston was by far my least favorite city; but the people I met along the way made it one of the best experiences. I am loving how with each destination, and even within each destination, I am learning so much about myself, the world, other people, and how I fit into this world and into other people's lives. My world is beginning to expand in amazing ways and my options are multiplying exponentially. It's quite beautiful, really. But I'm also learning not to over-plan and leave room for the unexpected (like that climbing trip Dan and I planned in the past hour...) Life isn't meant to be difficult or complicated or stressful. We create those things within our lives. It's all quite simple, if you choose for it to be. Sure, there's bad days...but even the bad days can include laughter. It's a simple choice.

I'm currently in Austin, TX hanging out at a Starbucks updating this blog, catching up on other blogs and just taking a few hours to center myself before heading to my couchsurfers place. My couchsufing host, Taylor, seems like a really awesome guy and I'm sure there will be plenty of adventures involved that I'll be sharing with the rest of you. I'm staying with him until Wednesday and then staying at a hostel for another week! I can't wait to see what Austin has to offer!

Hope you're all having a great Monday!