An Update

( The pictures in this post have been taken in Kalamazoo over the past few years)

Kalamazoo is where I first learned the art of drinking beer while hooping, dancing, hiking, kayaking, and other soul transforming activities.

Kalamazoo is also the place where I truly fell in love with people and, for the first time, people fell in love with me for who I am and am becoming.

I've got so many blog post ideas that very quickly take a backseat to morning coffee puzzles, knitting to Harry Potter, swaying to new records, conquering new routes at the climbing gym, playing and snuggling sweet babies, harvesting herbs and cooking up healing wintertime remedies, kissing boys, dancing to heart awakening music, listening to band practice every Thursday, sipping on wine with best friends, sipping on wine with strangers, sipping on wine alone, sipping on wine....

Puzzle mornings are the best mornings.

I've spent most of my time marveling at how much I have grown. I'm no longer the girl that commits to the first man showing her affection; I know what my heart and soul desire and I'm not afraid to get real with myself and "the other". I'm not scared of setting boundaries at work while speaking my mind in a loving, compassionate, empathetic way. I'm not intimidated by beautiful, mysterious strangers. I fall in love with my friends every single day. I fall in love with the community, the sense of belonging, and the sense of "home". I admit my weaknesses and embrace my strengths. I don't seek spiritual experiences; I feel them in every breath, every moment, every thought. I snuggle babies knowing that one day I'll snuggle my own...but not yet. Not yet.

I smile at the absurdity that Kalamazoo is. I sink into trust when I think of the journey that lead me here the first time....and the second. I feel at home. I have surrendered. I am drawn to duality, to grit, to "rough around the edges"...to Kalamazoo.

The Lake

As I roll out my yoga mat onto the hardwood floors, I breathe into possibility. I breathe into life, surprises and potential. I breathe into all that is, was, and is yet to come. All the goodness, you know?

This photo is currently being transformed into a head of aloe...for reals. The beauty of living with and loving artists is that they transform you into mythical beings you've only ever dreamt of being.

Soon, there will be more substantial, concrete posts. But for now, I'm floating in bliss of community, life, authenticity, acceptance, belonging, and love. Sweet, heartfelt love.

Sardine Lake

Last winter, I struggled finding community and connection in California. I was living in an isolated space and had daily contact with the same 8 people. We worked, lived, ate, and played lots of games together. But there is only so much one can do until the craving for outside contact takes over. And let me tell you, I was CRAVING it.  So around New Years, I invited myself over this girl’s house.

Celeste

She is crazy in the best ways possible, loves to eat, has a ridiculously early bedtime and is up for adventure rain or shine. So, clearly, we would become great friends. And we did! It only took me inviting myself over without giving her an opportunity to say no. Creepy? Too forward? Maybe. But I was desperate y’all. I needed a friend outside my teeny community and I needed that friend NOW.

The outcome of me inviting myself over...

We saw each other rarely yet when we did, the adventures were raw and wild.  This one time, we decided to hike awhile along the Yuba.  A few hours into the hike, clearly delirious, we stripped our clothes off and jumped into the water. It was late January. There was SNOW on the ground. My body’s never felt the same since.

Another time, we hiked 2 miles in a blizzard with a crew of friends to find a “word of mouth” yurt that was supposedly hidden in the middle of the woods. We didn’t have a map, directions, or any sort of concrete proof that this yurt actually existed. But IT WAS THERE! And we had a glorious night drinking ourselves silly while playing the best game on the planet- Bonanza (also known as Bean Trader’s). If there is a single game that you play in your life- let it be Bonanza. I’m telling you, it’s da bomb diggity.

But my favorite adventure is the one that led us to my future sanctuary, an escape from the foothills into the womb of the Sierra’s.  We didn’t really have a plan but we left prepared. We packed sleeping bags “just in case” and enough sardines to feed all of California. (If you didn’t know, I consider sardines to be a food group. So does Celeste. No wonder we became friends.) And then we drove. We didn’t know where we were going but knew that we hadn’t yet “arrived.” Almost an hour into the drive, just as we were discussing turning around, we saw Gold Lake Road. It was clearly going uphill and we were curious what was on top of that hill. So we turned and followed the road to breathtaking views until the snow wouldn’t allow us to go any further. Then we saw it….a sign for SARDINE LAKE. It was a sign without a doubt. I mean, the Universe knew how much we loved sardines and brought us to this place. We giggled with glee, drove as far as the snow would let us, and hiked to this view:

In that moment, I felt a connection I hadn’t felt to a place in a long time. We’d “arrived”.

Sardine Lake became my “go-to” destination. I brought friends, I went alone and I even took my campers there. The magic never disappeared.

Maybe one day, I’ll swim in those waters again.

Maybe not.

But one thing I know for certain, Sardine Lake was a haven in times of unease. I can’t wait to find that haven, here, in Michigan. I know it’s here. I can feel it. And with time, it will reveal itself.

Until then, onward and upward!

Eating sardines at Sardine Lake..doesn't get better than that!

Tis the Season of Change

As the leaves around me change and gracefully fall off the branches they have been nourishing, I am reminded of how normal, beautiful, absolutely breathtaking change can be. I look at the trees and notice how stunning they are for a brief moment in time, right before they are gone. As it is with change. Change doesn’t need to be dramatic, painful, and LOUD.  It can be quiet. Graceful. Even breathtaking.

There is an added calm and peacefulness that accompanies change when it is a result of following ones intuition. It’s a voice that whispers “Let the storm water and deepen your roots. Let the wind bend you so you bounce back stronger.  Let the darkness envelop you and bask in awe at the first rays of sunshine. Be here. Now. Breathe. You are exactly where you’re meant to be.”

For the past 5 years I’ve been following that little voice inside my heart with an unparalleled fierceness.  That voice is now part of my everyday consciousness. Sometimes it guides me through flash flooded deserts and raging seas; other times, through wildflower valleys and soul cleansing waterfalls. But wherever it leads me, I follow. I surrender to the forces beyond my understanding and trust, full heartedly, that these forces are supporting me with every breath I take.

In the past month, I’ve followed my heart’s pull back to Michigan. In less than two weeks, I’ll be following my heart’s pull back to Kalamazoo. Home. Kalamazoo is home. At least for now.

I’m bursting with excitement. I am intrigued. I wonder what it will be like to find the sense of adventure and the wild outdoors in my favorite mitten town. What will it be like to embrace a season of winter? Will I love ice climbing as much as I love the desert rock? In what ways will paddling the big lake be different than paddling the seas? Do I have enough wool socks? Will I get tired of the climbing gym routes? Will I love my work? Where will I fit in the community? I am excited to find out the answers to all these questions. For the first time in a while, I feel settled, grounded, and content. My heart is just right.

Yet in typical “Yelena fashion”, there is a trip on the horizon. Iceland 2015 is in the works and I’m excited to share details as they finalize. My mind is bursting with inspiration and projects are abundant.  I am writing again, reading again, and learning new skills at every possible opportunity. My body feels healthy and strong; aching for yoga and the balance of rock. I am inspired in a more grounded, steady way. I no longer feel the urge to run, though movement remains my natural state of being.  I am evolving, changing and embracing.

Also, did I mention one of my best friends is getting married?

Season of change y’all.

A Hermit in the Foothills

I am a hermit.

I don't get lonely when I am alone.

I am perfectly happy going a full day without speaking to another human being.

I travel alone, laugh alone, and see breathtaking sights alone.

I don't hear the answers form others, I hear them in the wind.

I have no desire to be surrounded by a sea of people when I can let the waters surround me.

The language of the ocean, not that of humans, comforts me.

The holiness of a setting sun reaffirms what I already know.....nothing.

Feeling my heartbeat synchronize to that of an ancient stone exhilarates me.

The roots of trees ground me.

When I choose to spend time with people, it's not because I need to. It's because I want to.

I am selective in my relationships.

I live a full life, and the people in it are rare creatures that I have carefully selected and treasure. And those rare creatures have selected me. As part of that selection, a clear understanding of freedom has developed. Freedom to me means the ability to fly without expectations, obligations, or judgement. And these rare creatures that have collided with my path honor my definition of freedom just as I honor theirs. And that is why our webs will be forever entangled....even if I fly for months, years, and decades at a time without landing on their homestead, they feel my vibrations in their web. And that is enough.

One of my personal truths that I recently became fully comfortable with is the idea of being alone by choice. I do not live a solitary life, but I do prefer a life that allows me to spend more time with the trees and my breath rather than my fellow humans. I'd much rather follow the seducing pulls of a new adventure than a new lover. And to the disappointment and shock of society, I am okay with that.

I can't predict the future nor would I want to. Maybe one day my world will collide with someone who spreads their wings as often as I do and we'll fly to distant lands together as well as comfortably apart. And if the blissful collision occurs, will I want it? I don't know.

I am a tangled mess. The past few years have uncovered knots that I never knew existed. And as I slowly untangle this beautiful mess, I feel so much gratitude. I am so grateful that I can see the knots and tangles. There are many so terrified of their mess that they shove it in a corner and live their whole lives denying it's there.

I am grateful to have untangled my "solitary" knot. And not only have I untangled it, but it's now beautifully woven into my feathers.

Cheers to untangling those knots!