It's pretty late (at least by my "corporate world 6am wake up call" standards) and I should be winding down. But my mind is racing and I need to get some thoughts off my chest. Ideally, I should be existing on cloud nine with fantasies of my upcoming adventures and feeling confident in myself and my decisions. But while I am feeling confident in my decisions, I am not feeling confident in myself. In fact, I haven't felt this low in a really, really long time. So what gives?
Well, in all honesty, it came to light a few nights ago when P. said some things that really knocked me down. I know that he wasn't trying to throw any hard punches and he was just speaking from his heart. But his words were forceful blows to my spirit. So I put up some very thick walls and really started examining myself. And what I discovered has caused me to stumble into a deep hole where the light seems unreachable. I wouldn't say that I'm depressed, but I can say that it's been a while since I've faced this darkness.
It seems as though all the insecurities I've ever dealt with are coming to the surface. Which makes me wonder, did I ever deal with them at all or did I just do a good job at hiding them from everyone, including myself? And I'm starting to realize that the latter is, in fact, reality. And I think this realization is what will pull me out of the dark hole. Because now I have a starting place. I can list each one, and come up with an appropriate solution or at least steps that will get me to a place of well-being. I am torn between sharing some, or all, of my struggles with you or keeping them to myself. At this point, I'm not ready to share. But I know that as I start my journey, things will be revealed. And when they are revealed, I would like them to come from a place of optimism and a healed heart. I don't want to whine or complain or make excuses. I'm not even looking for understanding. But we all share the same struggles in one way or another, and as I heal myself, I would love to share that healing with you.
At this moment, what I know and feel from the depths of my being, is that I am exactly where I need to be. The darkness I'm facing will only bring more light into my life. I live a good life, and I feel so blessed to be discovering such powerful truths about myself and the world around me. But sometimes, I'm gonna have a bad day, week, month, or even year. And that's okay.
Right now I'm in a place of darkness. But I do see the light. I'm just not sure how to get there, or even where to begin. But I'll figure it out. I know how to use the tools I have, and the ones I don't have I will find. My power lies in this inner journey, and using my voice ignites little sparks that will eventually lead to a blazing fire. So if you got to the end of this blog entry, I thank you for sacrificing your time to read my words. And I thank you for honoring my voice.
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