The Funkiest Funk

This is the post that I've been dreading to write, but I just need to do it and get it over with. I am coming out of what I would like to call my "6-week meltdown." Ever since I left for Europe, I have have not been myself. Clearly I was burned out before boarding that plane and while in Europe, I completely lost my sense of identity and my confidence and excitement in this journey.

So I shut down. I retreated into my shell, put on a fake smile and tried to "fake it till I make it."

Worst. Decision. Ever.

I was able to avoid a breakdown in Europe, but as soon as I landed it slowly started creeping out. It wasn't a sudden emotional explosion, instead it was a slow build up of anxiety, fear, and confusion. I didn't know what I wanted, where I was going, what I was doing, why I was doing what I was doing, and everything seemed like a scattered mess. I retreated even more and tried to pretend everything was okay. Instead I became a walking zombie, doing everything imaginable to make myself numb and distracted from dealing with the root of my "situation".

Then finally last week something snapped. Again, it wasn't a sudden emotional explosion, but overwhelming inner turmoil, pain, and attachments that I finally let go of. I don't know what happened but I suspect it was a combination of events. I had lunch with some yoga friends and as our lunch group dwindled from 5 to 3, I suddenly felt a feeling of complete comfort, safety, and support; something I haven't felt in months. And I just let it out. Again, not a sudden outburst but gentle words of frustration, honesty, and pain. And as I spoke, I began to understand. I was seeing with more clarity and recognizing where the darkness had crept in with full acceptance and surrender. After lunch, I went back to Sam and Justin's place, and out came the whiskey. And then came the friends, the guitar, more whiskey, the singing, tarot cards, more whiskey, spontaneous performances, a little more whiskey, and then I just let it go. I sang, I danced, I talked complete nonsense, I sent text messages I cringed at the following morning (gotta love those!), but mostly, I just let myself feel what I was feeling with full acceptance and surrender. Because I felt safe. Because I knew Sam would understand, support, and talk some sense into me (did she ever!). And because I was so tired of the darkness. Absolutely sick of it.

The next morning I woke up (not sure how I got in my pajamas or in bed...it was one of those nights...) feeling completely awful. But something had shifted. I looked through my phone cringing at what I had written and who I had written it to, and as soon as I was preparing to beat myself up over it, I stopped. Who cares? I mean, who really cares? I am allowed to have bad days, (or 6 weeks..) I am allowed to make mistakes, and I am allowed to make a fool out of myself. I am 23 years old. I live out of my car. I can be a complete wreck once in a while (like 6 weeks..). I don't need to "have it all figured out." Now is the time to fuck up, cringe, and just laugh it off. And just like that I forgave myself, laughed it off, and did a little happy dance. And just as quickly I deleted all my texts so I never have to look at them again (if they're not there it didn't happen, right?). Then I decided to look forward and stop looking back. Instantly, I felt all those toxic emotional attachments snap. It was so easy. You just need to make the choice. So simple, yet so hard. Freedom. I felt like myself for the first time in months, but a little wiser and more content and comfortable in my skin. And I did another happy dance...possibly while singing "Young, Wild, and Free" by Wiz Khalifa and Snoop Dogg. Judge away.

And then I made a decision to accept something that was staring me straight in the face for weeks; I had ignored the signs until Krista pointed them out (thanks sister!) while wearing her Saints shirt....New Orleans! And then I got really excited. I couldn't stop smiling, planning, and anticipating. I felt what I felt when I first hit the road; complete joy, freedom, and the overwhelming desire to dance like a crazy fool (which I did, over and over and over again). And it felt so good. So so good. Because I was back. I still don't know how it happened, but the "6-week meltdown" is in its final stages. Amen to that!

New Orleans...New Orleans...

NEW ORLEANS!

YEA!

This time I'll be moving a bit slower, building community as I go (yea, Couchsurfing), making new friends, socializing more, spending more time in my destinations, and just taking my time. A little less rushing, a little more planning, more frequent socializing, and a lot more root growing. 

(I leave on Wednesday morning, with a pit stop in Memphis, so stay tuned!)