My Biggest Fear

When I first started fantasizing about living on the road roughly a year ago, it was just that - a fantasy. At the time I had just started a full time 'dream' job, I moved to a great town that fed my inner spirit, I surrounded myself with like-minded people who soon became the best of friends, I found niches that inspired me, and I began growing my roots deep. But while I was settling into a routine, a familiarity, I had this fantasy of living on the road. A life of no routines, no expectations, no rules; a life full of freedom, a sense of wilderness, and non-attachment. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this fantasy would become reality.

But somehow it did. Maybe it was the people I met; people who motivated me with their stories of adventure, giving me the confidence to make my dream a reality. Maybe it was the insight gained from my 'dream' job; a message that screamed "This is not the job for you! You are miserable! Stop doing this to yourself!". Maybe it was my spiritual Self, who has grown to her fullest limits in this town, saying "Go. Leave. You found your wings. Go fly. Grow. Be free. Find yourself." Or maybe it was the little voice inside myself that I've heard for years and years; a little voice trying to be heard but being silenced by my ego; a little voice that planted the seed of this fantasy; a little voice whispering "This life that you're creating is a product of society-of your ego. A product of your need to please others. But it is not for you. Stop trying to fit into the mold everyone, except for yourself, has created for you. It will never work. And if you force it, you'll break. And you'll never be able to fix yourself." Or maybe it was a combination of all of the above. But regardless of how I got here, this is where I am. And the reality is, I am living my fantasy, my dream, and every cell in my being knows it.

I think that a lot of people have this huge misconception of what it's like to see your fantasy become reality. They think that you should be existing on cloud nine, always smiling, feeling happy and fulfilled, no doubts, just pure enjoyment. But in reality, I have never been more scared in my life. I have doubts racing through my brain each nanosecond of every day. I'm constantly bursting into tears and having occasional panic attacks. I get anxious, stressed, and confused. But at the same time, with each passing day, I feel a little more wild and free. Does it freak me out? Absolutely. But only because it's a wilderness I've never felt before. Many time I cry due to a deep sadness of leaving the people I love and adore behind. Other times I cry due to the joy I feel of meeting new friends I'll fall in love with. It truly is a double edged sword. A bitter sweetness. But there is one thing I'm absolutely positive about- I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. And every time I lose trust in myself, a sign from the Universe restores that faith.

Always.

I am prepared for the overload of opposite emotions I'm going to feel on the road. I'm expecting the 'laughter of bliss turning into a sob of sorrow' moments. I'm prepared for the fear as well as the new found confidence. I'm prepared for loneliness. But the one thing I'm not prepared for is the lack of a "home base". I am an extremely grounded individual by nature, and that extends into my living environment. I like to be grounded. It makes me feel safe and secure. And being on the road will strip that sense of security away. I am not prepared for how that will make me feel. I don't know how that will make me feel. Not having a "home base" might send me into a state of numbness, it might bring on a panic attack, or it might ignite the fire of freedom and fill me with a joyful exuberance. I simply don't know. And not knowing is my biggest fear.

But not knowing will also give me the opportunity to call on the most important teacher in my life- my breath. It will force me to exist in the moment. To be non-attached. But most importantly, it will allow me to connect with my breath. And with my breath- I can overcome anything. Because as long as my breath is deep, steady, and alive- so am I.

This is going to be a never ending adventure. An adventure of a lifetime. A path towards becoming my fearless self. My powerful self.

Thanks for reading, sharing, and connecting.

Travel Update!

I've finally decided what I'll be doing for the month of September! This has been brewing on an energetic level for a few months now and started manifesting physically the past few weeks. I didn't want to share the news until it was 100% set in stone. And now it is! So...(drum roll please).....

...on September 1....

...I will be arriving here...

..to meditate in here....

..and learn from this man...

..and do awesome things...

How lucky am I? This is an opportunity of a lifetime and I'm accepting it with an open heart and widespread arms. I mean daily yoga, chanting, study of the scriptures, kirtan, meditation, home cooked vegetarian meals, and spending extensive time outdoors (overnight hiking with llamas!! YES!)...it's a dream come true for me. And since it won't cost me anything (with the exception of gas to get there), there is no financial burden, which is a whole blessing of its own. To learn from knowledgeable, holy, respected individuals...I'm humbled just thinking about it. Really. Truly. This whole reality humbles me and brings me down on my knees.. I'm just so grateful.

So, as of today, the travel agenda is as follows:

Between August 1-5: pack up my car with the essentials and get rid of everything else; say adios to the Zoo

August 6: Leave for Mexico

August 14: Come back from Mexico

August 15-August 29: Weekend trip to Chicago, camping on Lake Michigan

August 30: Leave for the Krishna Temple ( in Spanish Fork, Utah). I love mini road-trips.

September 1: Arrive at the Krishna Temple.

October 2/3: Leave for Sedona, AZ

October 3-12: Explore Sedona; Vision Quest; plan next leg of the journey


After Sedona, I'll be doing some in-depth work with my spiritual family, so from then on I will go where I am needed of where the Universe takes me. Some locations will include Colorado, Philadelphia, Chicago, Michigan ( <3 ), New Mexico, Poland, Czech Republic, Sweden, and France. I'm sure that other places will draw me in as well, I'm just not sure which ones or when. But that's all part of the journey, right? Eventually , in a few years, I would like to study with the medicine men in Peru. This is currently manifesting in the spiritual, vibrational realm, but just as the Krishna Temple, I hope that one day it becomes reality. And it will. Unless my intention changes...which, of course, is all part of the journey as well ;-)


Thanks for sharing in the exciting news with me! I am grateful for each and every one of you. Thank you for making my life so FULL.

The State of My Union

It's pretty late (at least by my "corporate world 6am wake up call" standards) and I should be winding down. But my mind is racing and I need to get some thoughts off my chest. Ideally, I should be existing on cloud nine with fantasies of my upcoming adventures and feeling confident in myself and my decisions. But while I am feeling confident in my decisions, I am not feeling confident in myself. In fact, I haven't felt this low in a really, really long time. So what gives?

Well, in all honesty, it came to light a few nights ago when P. said some things that really knocked me down. I know that he wasn't trying to throw any hard punches and he was just speaking from his heart. But his words were forceful blows to my spirit. So I put up some very thick walls and really started examining myself. And what I discovered has caused me to stumble into a deep hole where the light seems unreachable. I wouldn't say that I'm depressed, but I can say that it's been a while since I've faced this darkness.

It seems as though all the insecurities I've ever dealt with are coming to the surface. Which makes me wonder, did I ever deal with them at all or did I just do a good job at hiding them from everyone, including myself? And I'm starting to realize that the latter is, in fact, reality. And I think this realization is what will pull me out of the dark hole. Because now I have a starting place. I can list each one, and come up with an appropriate solution or at least steps that will get me to a place of well-being. I am torn between sharing some, or all, of my struggles with you or keeping them to myself. At this point, I'm not ready to share. But I know that as I start my journey, things will be revealed. And when they are revealed, I would like them to come from a place of optimism and a healed heart. I don't want to whine or complain or make excuses. I'm not even looking for understanding. But we all share the same struggles in one way or another, and as I heal myself, I would love to share that healing with you.

At this moment, what I know and feel from the depths of my being, is that I am exactly where I need to be. The darkness I'm facing will only bring more light into my life. I live a good life, and I feel so blessed to be discovering such powerful truths about myself and the world around me. But sometimes, I'm gonna have a bad day, week, month, or even year. And that's okay.

Right now I'm in a place of darkness. But I do see the light. I'm just not sure how to get there, or even where to begin. But I'll figure it out. I know how to use the tools I have, and the ones I don't have I will find. My power lies in this inner journey, and using my voice ignites little sparks that will eventually lead to a blazing fire. So if you got to the end of this blog entry, I thank you for sacrificing your time to read my words. And I thank you for honoring my voice.

Gypsy Adventures : Part 2

So I know that this post is WAY overdue, and most of you are probably wondering "what trip are you talking about?", but I finally found a window of time in my crazy busy ' i have new interns to train, bags to pack, friends to see, boyfriend to snuggle with, yoga practice' schedule; and I am using that time to write about the second part of my Gypsy Wagon adventure. (Yes, remember the Gypsy Wagon and my unhealthy obsession with it?)

Well, the second day of our adventure started out pretty slow. Very slow. The 'I know the sun's been out for hours but I refuse to look at the time because I know it's really late in the day' kind of slow. The original plan was to get up between 8-8:30am and go get some free breakfast (more specifically- COFFEE) our hosts prepared for all their guests. We were then going to pack a lunch, get dressed, and be out the door by 10am since we had places to see and nooks to explore.

That plan got thrown out very quickly when I rolled out of bed and saw that it was almost noon. And then, in a state of denial, I rolled back into bed and went back to sleep. Apparently I wasn't very graceful rolling back into bed cause the next thing I hear is-

"Baby, what time is it?"

I pretend not to hear and snuggle up real close to P. hoping he just falls back asleep... Wishful thinking.

"Baby?"
"Umm...Yes?"
"Do you know what time it is?"
"Umm...no."
"But didn't you just get up to check the time?"
"Ummm...no."
"Well, why did you get up then?"
"Umm...I just needed a drink of water."
"Oh okay. Do you think we should get up?"
"NO. I think we should sleep a little more."
*snores*

Before you judge me, understand that I was lying to protect my own sanity. I call it self defense. If you see P. in the morning before his first cup of coffee, you may understand. If you see P. in the morning after he finds out that he won't be having his first cup of coffee, you will definitely understand. And that morning, we were not having coffee. Why? Because I thought it would be a fabulous idea not to set an alarm for morning breakfast. Lesson learned: even if you go to bed by 10pm, you may not wake up by 8am.

By the time we actually got out of bed, it was nearing 1pm. And as predicted, P. was not a happy camper. But he quickly perked up when the topics of a gas station and Red Bull were brought up. So we got ourselves ready, I packed us a lunch, and off we went. After a quick gas station stop (20 miles away, I might add), our  caffeinated selves hit the trails. And aside from a few comments here and there, I will let the pictures do most of the talking. However, neither words nor pictures can do justice to the sights we saw and the things we felt. It was beautiful.

P- "Hey! I think there's a feather in there!"

Y- "I think I can get it with my foot!" (I failed, btw.)

I have a fondness for uprooted trees. I think they remind me to continue growing my roots deep.

Uprooted tree from 3 years ago! Taken in Washington. See? I told you there's something between me and those uprooted trees!

One of my favorite pictures.

If you look carefully, you'll see the water falling. This was a waterfall that we stumbled upon. Completely isolated with no one in sight. So what do I decide to do? Strip down and rinse off. (See picture below- don't worry, it's clothed!) I mean, would you expect anything less from me?

Showering under the waterfall.

P. taking a rest and admiring...everything.

Now the next two pictures are my favorite...ever. I'm sure that all of you know my passion for yoga, and some of you may even be familiar with a signature yoga pose I do on every single trip. I'm actually thinking of making a photo album. Anyways, after P. finished taking a picture of me in 'Dancer', he handed me the camera and confidently took my spot where he proceeded to attempt the 'Dancer'. Judge away.

Me in 'Dancer'. (Isn't the scenery breathtaking? So much inspiration)

P. in 'Dancer'.

And after a long, incredible, breathtaking day of hiking- we got to wind down to this:

and this:

Gypsy Adventures: Part 1

I hope everyone had a fantastic holiday weekend! I know I did. And just as promised, prepare yourselves for awesome details from my quasi-spontaneous adventure this past weekend (which I will have to break up into multiple parts or it will become a novel). For those of you who don't know (and I think most of you don't), I took a trip with P.Bear to Hocking Hills State Park in southern Ohio. Now I know what you're probably thinking...."Ohio?! Why the hell would you take a trip to Ohio unless you're going to Cedar Point?!" Well, I can sum it up in two words- Gypsy Wagon. Yes. I made (more like asked nicely and thanked him a billion times) P.Bear drive 7 hours so that I can stay in a Gypsy Wagon. P.Bear's reaction was probably similar to what you're thinking right now...

"Ummm...what exactly is a Gypsy Wagon, you crazy hippie?" followed by "Let's just grab a tent and sleep outside."

Now, I'm the kind of gal who prefers sleeping outside to sleeping in my own bed, but there was no way to talk me out of this one. My thought process was along the lines of-

"Gypsy Wagon.  I WANT TO STAY IN A GYPSY WAGON. We will stay in a Gypsy Wagon or I will make this the most miserable weekend of your life." But in reality, my response went something like this-

"Well, camping out would be great, but wouldn't it be awesome to try something different and stay in a Gypsy Wagon?"

As I posed that question, I knew that even if I had to go by myself, I was going. And once I make up my mind about something, there's no stopping me. I blame the Taurean stubbornness. Others blame other things that I will not talk about because they're not true (denial? maybe.).  Either way, I was sleeping in that Gypsy Wagon. In fact, the whole time this conversation was occurring I was daydreaming of myself in headscarves dancing inside the Gypsy Wagon in a long brightly colored skirt to acoustic gypsy music. And I may or may not have acted out this daydream in P.Bear's living room while making reservations online, which may or may not have confirmed to P. that I meant business. So, we were going. And we were staying in the Gypsy Wagon. And I was in gypsy bliss.

You may be wondering, "how did you find this Gypsy Wagon that sent you into a maddening obsessive gypsy craze?" Simple, I googled gypsy wagon and saw this (don't ask why i randomly google things like gypsy wagon, but i do) -

...and the rest is history. And I'm not ashamed to say that the only reason we ended up in Hocking Hills (which is BEAUTIFUL by the way), is because of the picture above. And I'm sure that by this point you are so sick of hearing the words 'Gypsy Wagon' in your head that you're ready to stop reading. Or bash your head against a wall. Either one would be an unfavorable outcome, so I will stop with the Gypsy Wagon craziness. However, I decided that when I settle down I'm building a Gypsy Wagon on my property. Right next to the ceremonial tipi and behind the medicine wheel garden.

Our adventure started on Friday when P. and I got off work. We packed up Shaemus (his crazy awesome truck) and headed over to my parents house for the night. It wouldn't make sense for us to head to Ohio that day since we wouldn't get there until midnight at the earliest, so we decided a night with my parents would be a great way to start off our trip. And it was. We ate, we drank, we laughed, we talked, we danced, and we were merry. I think that P.Bear really enjoyed himself and I know that my family was grateful to have us there. It was a great night.

The next morning we got our hungover tushies out of bed, had a quick breakfast, said our goodbyes, and got on the road. P. took a little detour and gave me a tour of his hometown including the house he grew up in. I wish I had pictures to share, but I was so caught up in the moment I didn't think to take any. When we finally got on the highway, we were roughly two hours behind schedule. Actually, we didn't have a schedule. But we did spent two hours maneuvering around construction and fake detour signs while trying to find a place to use the restroom that didn't smell like STD's and dead bodies (we weren't exactly in the safest or cleanest part of town). Well, we succeeded in both and were finally on our way to my heavenly Gypsy Wagon abode.

About an hour into the car ride, P. glances over at the GPS and "Oh, shit." gently slips out. I pretend that I don't hear and continue singing along to the "road trip" mix P. so graciously put together for us. I sense him reaching for the sound knob, but pretend I don't notice.

"Ummm...baby?"
"Yes?"
"I think I missed the exit we were supposed to take."
"Oh really? Okay."

I stick my foot back out the window and continue to sing. You see, I'm the kind of person who likes adventure. I don't get stressed out traveling very easily, and missing an exit just adds excitement to the journey. But I didn't know how P. would react, and I was very curious to see what he would do. So what does he do? He takes the next exit, reroutes the GPS, and we end up taking back roads all the way to Hocking Hills. Granted, it added about an hour to our trip but it was so worth it! And at that moment, I knew that this would be the best car ride of my life. And it was. We rapped to some old school jams, we talked about our future(s), we made random pit stops, we shared stories, we rode in silence taking in the serenity of the rolling hills, and we just blissfully coexisted.

This is what the majority of our car ride looked like. Beautiful, right? Now let me tell you a little bit about this picture. P. really loves his music, and sometimes he thinks of a perfect song that would be perfect for a given moment and he must find that song and play it at that moment. Literally, at that moment. I took this picture when P. pulled off on the side of the road to find a particular song in his IPOD that has over 10 days of music on it. It took roughly 10 minutes to find the song. Now, I'm a very patient person, but pulling off on the side of the road to find a song can stir mixed feelings. And I think P. felt this because the next stop was this-

Dairy Queen. A Dairy Queen that had a DRIVE-THROUGH! A vanilla cone dipped in chocolate from Dairy Queen.  At that moment, I was willing to pull over on the side of the road every half an hour to find a song. See? It's all about balance. Harmony. Co-existence. P. pulls over to find a song, I sacrifice 10 minutes. P. pulls over at a Dairy Queen, he sacrifices 10 minutes. Partnership.

After the best 7 hour car ride of my life, we arrived at the wagon of my dreams. And I was not disappointed.  Actually, I ran out of the car and jumped around like a little kid with a perma-grin on my face. P. was pretty stoked too. He even complemented me on my destination selection skills. I let it get to my head and said that we are gonna stay at every single gypsy wagon on the face of this Earth. Actually, I didn't say that, but that's what I was thinking (P. just doesn't know it yet).

 

 P. checking out the wagon.

Inside of wagon with all our crap everywhere. The picture is a little blurry, but you get the sense of it. We had a mini-fridge, a microwave, a little counter, a breakfast area, and a loft. 

See that blowup mattress on the loft? Yes, that wasn't there when we arrived. I "misread" the website and thought that the wagon came with a mattress. Well, that was not the case. However, P. was very understanding and after 7 hours of driving, drove for another hour to a store where we bought an air mattress. And some hummus. And stopped for dinner where they fed us an excessive amount of coleslaw and corn muffins. They even gave us a take out box filled with corn muffins. I will never eat coleslaw or corn muffins again. I think I'm traumatized.

On the way back, filled with foods I cannot speak of due to a gagging reflex, we encountered this little man.

P. said hello while I was trying to figure out what kind of sound a deer makes. I'm pretty sure I failed miserably because on my second attempt the deer gently trotted away. Actually, he ran for his life from the crazy woman making screeching noises at him. As he drove away, P. told me that I would never be the deer whisperer and maybe I should try again with squirrels.

We got back to the Gypsy Wagon and enjoyed a crisp glass of wine on the front porch. It was lovely. Even with the hundreds of moths swarming around the porch light and occasionally landing on P.'s shoulder. But he took it like a champ, and managed to look quite adorable. How could he not with those polar bear eyes?

A few drinks and some magical conversations later, we curled up in our Gypsy abode and slept like a bear and a wolf should, happily snoring for 12 long, deep hours.

Be patient wild eyes. Soon will come a storm to tame you.

*I have realized that the biggest challenge with blogging is deciding how much of your personal life to reveal. Do I blog about the good? The bad? The ugly? All of them? And when it comes to other people, friends and family, how much do I reveal? Where is the boundary? I will be treading lightly in the blogging world as I find my answers to these questions. And if I include you in my blog and you feel like I have overstepped the boundary, please let me know. It will be a challenge finding a balance, but I'll get there.*


Well, July is finally upon me. My last month in Kalamazoo. Undoubtedly, this month will consist of packing, purging, and solidifying the connections I want to keep. With Krista gone for the month, it will also be a time of cultivating my personal yoga practice. Even typing those words brings makes me feel uneasy. Here is my current inner dialogue-

"Me? With a personal yoga practice? WHAT?!!! But that means I have to commit and follow through....I CAN'T DO THIS! I need someone to make me do the pigeon and the splits- I need someone to force me to do them! Krista- coommeee baacckkk! Don't leave me!!"

Dramatic? Yes. Realistic? Absolutely not. Because the truth is, I can totally do it. I have the best yoga friends who inspire, motivate, and will be there to snap me out of whatever yoga funk I'm having that day (Thanks Sam and Christina) These ladies have been my biggest support system both on and off the mat, and they are still here! I may not have Sunrise Yoga, but I have two of the most amazing friends to count on. And honestly, even if I didn't have such an amazing support system, I know that I could still do it. I have come such a long way in my yoga practice, both physically and spiritually. And I know that I am strong enough, determined enough, disciplined enough to cultivate a kick ass yoga practice. And I will. But having fellow yogis to share that with is an incredible blessing. And I am so grateful.

  Christina (arm balances on the beach)

Sam (headstand in Rome)

 Me (dancer at a rest stop)

Another "July Mission" is creating some sort of travel plan. I have a very rough idea of what I'll be doing but it would be nice to develop these ideas a little further. So here is the rough outline-

First part of August- Mexico

Second part of August- back to Michigan to tie up loose ends (autopayment for loans, create a budget, pack suitcases, pack car, etc.)

September- this month is wide open but i have some ideas: Alaska, Colorado, Washington, British Columbia, or a road trip through all of them. Or maybe I'll just end up vising friends I haven't seen in a while. We'll see..

Early October- Arizona/New Mexico to Vision Quest

Mid October- Czech Republic

Post October- probably back and forth between Europe and the states. I'll grab opportunities as they arise. 

So this is what I have so far. Mexico, Arizona, and the Czech are set in stone. There is a purpose for those locations but I will reveal the details (well, some of them) as I move towards each destination. I have to tread this ground extremely carefully. However, September is my "go crazy, be completely irresponsible, live it up, i laugh in the face of fear" month. I'm open to all suggestions. I would really like to have a plan, or at least a start of a plan, before August. And I want to hear your ideas!

I am hesitant to plan too far ahead (as you can clearly see). I feel that planning out every detail months in advance kills the spontaneity and adventure that is so crucial in travel and inner growth. I don't want to close any doors before knowing what is behind each one. I really want to feel free, unattached, and wild. Correction: I am free, unattached, and wild! And as August approaches, I'm beginning to feel that freedom and wilderness stirring in the depths of my being. And let me tell you, it feels good. Really, really good.

As for this weekend, I've got a little adventure planned. So no blog post until next week. But believe me, it's gonna be a great one!

In about 8 hours I'll be on my way here:

Sleeping here:

With someone who looks a bit like this:

 

And just so you know, this polar bear melts my heart, fills it with abundance, and sometimes makes it skip a beat or two. Yup, he's pretty great.

Until next week, hope you have a lovely weekend. Take off those shoes, feel your roots grow deep, and let the Earth be your drum. Close your eyes and let the waters serenade you as you throw your worries to the wind. And smile. Because you are exactly where you're supposed to be. And life is good. Real good.

This I Know. This I Feel.

I love reading blogs. I love glimpsing into people's lives, reading about their joys, sorrows, adventures, and knowing that we all have struggles, we all have moments of weakness, and we are all humans feeling whatever it is that humans feel. Blogs give me a sense of connectedness. And in a way, a sense of comfort. But I never thought I would have a blog. And if I did, I never thought  I would have the courage to share it. But here it is. Open to all who want a glimpse into my world.

I am extremely nervous and terrified of opening myself up to the virtual world. I am scared of criticism and judgment. I like hiding in my protective psychic bubble knowing who is allowed in and who is not. So why am I doing this?  I am doing this for the beautiful souls I have met in Kalamazoo who I want to share my journey with. I am doing this for myself- so I can always remember the most intimate details of my adventures.   But mostly I am doing this to remain connected- to Kalamazoo, to Michigan, to the Sunrise Goddesses, to the Bear, to my family, to my deepest roots, to myself. This is my place to share with friends, strangers, and my Self. It is my sacred place in the virtual world. I will treat it that way, and I hope you do as well.

Some of you may be asking, "well, where are you going?" The truth is, I don't know. All I know is that my whole life, I've been trying to get somewhere. I graduated from high school, went to college, graduated from college, landed an amazing job, became financially and socially abundant, made my parents proud... but I was still trying to get somewhere. I realize now that I was running away. I was running away from myself and my unhappiness. Despite having everything that *should* make one happy, I was miserable. Up until this past year, I have lived my life trying to make my parents, friends, boyfriends, even strangers happy- always concerned with others needs or what others thought of me. But this past year I was able to silent my ego enough to hear my Self speak. And as soon as I heard that faint voice, I listened. And I learned techniques to keep listening. I made lifestyle changes so that I never lose my ability to listen, hear, and understand. The voice grows louder with each moment, and my intuition along with it. I have never felt more self-aware in my entire life. I was able to cut through all the bullshit and put that ego in the passenger seat. But as powerful and wonderful as this is, it left me with an emptiness inside. I realized that I don't know my Self. I don't know my Power. I don't know my Medicine. What I do know is how to listen to my intuition, and I have the courage to follow it. After you truly hear and FEEL that voice inside of you, there is no ignoring it. And that voice is telling me to FLY. Get out on the road and be FREE. Get to know your Self by yourself.  I've known that this is what I wanted to do for about a year now, but I truly FELT it 6 or so months ago when I made my choice and everything just clicked into place. I will be leaving my job  on August 2. My lease ends on August 9. I will be free.

All these changes are exciting, but very bittersweet. I have a heavy heart. You see, when I was leaving East Lansing I was really looking forward to change. I was healing a broken heart, recovering from four long years of traumatic schooling, understanding the manipulative relationships in my life, and just wanting to leave. I couldn't wait to move and have a fresh start. But leaving Kalamazoo is very different. I love my life in Kalamazoo and everything about it. Even my job is beginning to grow on me. But as perfect as everything is on the outside, on the inside something is missing. I will never get the answers I need by existing in a state of routine, comfort, and safety. So I know that I will be leaving. I have known that I'd be leaving for the past 6 months. But with only a month left in this gem of a town, I am beginning to FEEL it.  And there is such a huge difference between knowing something and feeling it. I am really struggling.

It all started when Andrew (one of my coworkers) left roughly 2 weeks ago. I knew he would be leaving from the moment I met him, but now I feel his absence. Especially at work. And his absence is making me truly realize that Dennis and Justyne (my other coworkers) will be leaving in a few short weeks as well. I don't yet feel this, but I know that it will be a huge stab in my heart when it actually happens.

( Denny, Justyne, me, Andrew )

Dennis is a soul friend. He thinks I'm strange, crazy, bizarre, and I'm pretty sure he judges me most of the time. But I love him. And I know that the feeling is mutual. We've been traveling buddies for the past year, and have definitely grown together and separately from every trip we took.

I have taken more trips with this man in the past year than I have with anyone else. Ever. So just the thought of not seeing him everyday at work, and any time I need him outside of work breaks me. I don't know what will happen when he actually leaves. But I'm trying not to think about it too much because right now I'm coping with Krista leaving. For those of you who have not heard of Krista, she is the owner of Sunrise Yoga- my sanctuary. I feel more at home at Sunrise than I do in my own house. I practice yoga there, I chant there, I meditate there, I laugh there, I cry there, I open up my heart and soul there. And I feel SAFE there. This morning was my last yoga practice at Sunrise because Krista is leaving to go overseas and won't be back at before I leave. I know that this is simply a change, and I know that Krista will be a constant presence in this lifetime and many more to come. However, Sunrise Yoga won't be. And that weighs heavy on my heart. 

At the moment, it is the heaviest weight in my heart. But I know that with each passing day, there will be more changes. And more feelings. And more heaviness. Yet also more excitement. More anticipation. More hope for what's to come. I'm just feeling a lot right now. It's hard, even suffocating at times.Then I just let the tears flow and surrender to the waters. I don't have to like it. And I don't. I don't want things to change. I LOVE my external world. But after the tears pass, I remind myself of the inner world that is left to be discovered. I get excited again. The smile comes back. I let the sunshine in and cherish it because I know that around the corner is another storm cloud. Maybe even a hurricane. But it will pass and the sun will come out again. This I know. This I feel. To this I Surrender. Namaha.